I slept 11 hours last night. The cocktail of meds I consume daily are taking a lot out of me, but it's better than using a wheelchair, which I know I would have to if I stopped taking them. I'm flaring a bit today, but the burning is only from my knees and down. Score! It's funny how mindset shifts to experience burning from only the knees down as exciting. Hey, I'll take it versus burning from my hips down!
I'm struggling a bit in finding a relationship with God. I'm reading a book right now by Alan Seale, called "Intuitve Living: A Sacred Path," and am really enjoying it except for on statement, which is the root of my struggle. "As human beings, we yearn to experience our wholeness within and our oneness or sense of connectedness and belonging to something larger than ourselves" (Seale, 14). I don't have that yearning AT ALL, and I guess that is where my struggle begins and ends. I am perfectly happy within myself and my own life. Yes, this disease sucks (for lack of a better word), but I love my life, and am more than happy with every aspect of it minus my disease. However, my disease has opened my mind and changed my life in many ways for the better, so perhaps I am happy with my entire existance. Although, I wouldn't mind an end to the pain...
What happens if I don't have a yearning for a connectedness with something larger than myself? What if I feel like nothing is missing in my life?
I don't know... but I'm still trying.
The weather is perfection today! Just another reason to be happy :-)
6 comments:
Maybe you could look at a 'God relationship' as adding to what you think is perfect? We only really have a concept of something through experience and if you havent experienced Faith you dont really know the wonderful effect it can create. I'm not saying that what you already have isn't perfect (because it sounds almost like it couldn't get any better-apart from the pain of course) but maybe it might expand your perfectness beyond what you thought was possible?
I have a hard time explaining what I mean so I hope its semi-understandable. I feel so fortunate because I was brought up in a strong religious family, I have always had God as part of my life and honestly I would feel like the most important part of me was missing if I turned my back.
I dont like that statement much
"As human beings, we yearn to experience our wholeness within and our oneness or sense of connectedness and belonging to something larger than ourselves" (Seale, 14). Somehow it seems to turn it into a self thing "we need God to make us feel better in ourselves" I dont think thats what God is all about, He wants us, thats what its about. Maybe you could look at it from that angle, God wants YOU and how amazing is that, to be wanted no matter how you are and what you have done and what you are going though, He wants you and is right there waiting patiently for you to find a comfortable way of accepting His strength.
Ok I've yabbered long enough and I've probably not made much sense but oh well.
Oh and I wondered if you minded me asking, what cocktail of meds are you taking each day? and how much they actually help with dealing with rsd?
Wow, you really are on a cocktail of meds...I'm on gabapentin and it works kinda for me. I havent been offered anything else yet though, despite a desperate plea-I just dont think doctors even get what rsd is over here, I'm having to fight just to have them admit thats what it is half the time. I was taking paracetamol and truckloads of codiene and also something to help me sleep but the pain meds do nothing, and they wont prescribe more than a weeks worth of the sleep ones. I wasalso tried on low dose amytripyline but I couldn't deal with that so I came off pretty quick. So just now I'm on the gabapentin and have the happy thought that pain management may take 9-12 months to get into!
Maybe the contentness you feel is your relationship to it all. You are just unaware of the connection. But to feel content and happy despite your pain and limitations, that is a gift. The gift most speak about having in their relationship with God. I suffer with RSD and i can stop and see all the beautiful details of life but I can't always keep the gratitude. it's too easy for me to hate all that has been taken away...especially my latest struggle with potentially losing my job and all my support I have there.
Good for you!
Maria, I've been away for awhile due to stuff happening and I'm just getting caught up. All is well, don't worry. Imagine my surprise to read about your quest to find a relationship with god :-) You want to know something, I tried that as well at one point. I did appreciate the perspective of a buddhist religion because it fit most closely with my perspective on many things in life. You might want to take a peak at some of their teachings. It's very much a religion that is based on a personal relationship with god. I am not, nor will I ever be someone who will go to church or become part of a larger community. My life has forever tainted me from accepting that but I do see the value it has for many people.
I don't know if I ever found any answers in that quest. I don't know that I need to find the answers either. Age is wonderful thing in the sense that it can help you to see the world a little differently. It certainly has helped me. In the end I know that there is much more out there than what my eyes see. I don't need scientific proof to know this, I just know it. My job allows me to deal with death and dying and survivors on a regular basis and believe me, we are foolish to think we are the be-all and end-all of this universe. In the end I can be at peace with it all because I have faith and to me, faith is far more important than answers. My faith is based on faith in myself, in others, and in humanity in general. I don't need to know the answers because I have faith that things will work out, or that things will be okay, or that I'm intelligent enough to learn the lessons that are being taught at that moment in time. I don't have any need to create a relationship anymore than you do. I have a great relationship with the world around me and at this point in my life, I'm wondering if that is truly what it is all about.
when you started your journal in that "other forum" :-) you were a very angry and confused young woman. You're not anymore. You've grown a tremendous amount in many ways and that includes in your spirit as well. I think you already have found your relationship but you just don't know it yet because it's different (like mine) and it's not typical or traditional or can be easily labeled or identified.
I have heard and seen many things that have absolutely no explanation what-so-ever. I have no issues with believing that people can be psychic and have am not skeptical of the message that you were given. I do think that you are already well on your way to not becoming that crippled, angry and bitter woman that you might have been had you not grown as much as you have. Maybe you don't need to find this clear relationship right now, maybe all you need to do is keep the door open and know that you're probably already connected on a larger level to this universe we share. Personally, I think you're closer than you realize.
sophie
Hiya-hope you are doing ok?
I have linked your blog on mine, let me know if thats not ok and I will take it off again.
Hope you have a nice Memorial weekend.
Felicia
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