Thursday, May 15, 2008
Yesterday's entry was inspired by my current struggles with body image/self-confidence/self-worth due to this rechid disease that sucks endless amounts of energy and life from someone who is battling it each and every day. Pain flare after pain flare, deterioration after deterioration, and failed treatment after failed treatment can leave one a bit morose, and sometimes, it can be a struggle to keep one's head above water.
I'm in this sort of limbo trying treatment after treatment in the hopes that I may recover or at least find some sort of pain relief before I enter graduate school this fall. I attend an average of two-three doctor appointments a week right now, so getting into any sort of routine work or volunteering is nearly impossible. No one can count on me because I never know when I will be entering treatment again or having surgery. I must say it makes me feel slightly useless, especially because of the fact that I know I have soooo much to offer, but am too sick to be of any real use. That can do a number on the self-esteem for a goal oriented girl like me. Even though it will be grueling, getting back into school this September will be a very positive step for me. One step closer to helping others who are suffering for a career, and what could be better?!
I had yet another dream about running last night, but strangely, it was a positive dream. Usually, I am running in the condition I am in now, which means I am experiencing a tremendous amount of pain and fear. This time, I dreamnt that I was running my first road race since coming back to running, and I won after only a very short amount of time training. My mom and dad, my biggest supporters in all of this illness experience, were there to see it. Interesting...
I am quite drained today after having a few days of activity (aka. leaving the house) under my belt. I'm doing my best to listen to my body, although it means doing more of what I hate... sitting around :-(
Tomorrow will be a better day! I can feel it!