Friday, June 6, 2008
"Sadness teaches you about humility, grace, gentlesness. Sadness often makes you quiet, and in that quietness, you begin to hear the truth of your soul" (Seale, 211).
RSD creates an endless roller coaster of hope and despair, hope and despair, hope and despair, etc... Right now, I am fighting the dip of despair in this cruel ride, the inner turmoil, as I try to learn life's greatest lessons.
I have a hospital stay coming up in a little over a week and, and that creates a myriad of emotions, mainly anxiety for all that is unknown and for the laborious recovery period ahead. Will this surgery help me? Will this surgery make me worse? Either outcome is possible, and no matter how many times I check to see if I dotted all my i's and crossed all my t's, it won't gaurantee a good outcome. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst always, because after three years of disappointments, that's all you can do to stay sane.
Yesterday, I made a list of all the things I can and cannot control. All of the elements underneath the "can't control" heading are all the elements I would kill to control (okay, maybe not KILL, but you know what I mean). Hmmm, that shouldn't be... We need to change that immediately!!!
Let's talk about attachment. It stinks. Ha! I mean, it's something that I need to work on defeating, because attachment to outcome has the ability to create disappointment, while non-attachment to outcome allows us to live in the moment and take an experience for what it is rather than what it's end outcome will be. This is a hard thing to do when I am in so much pain and discomfort on a daily basis, but it is something that I really wish to work toward.