I am smart
I get A's
I smile a lot
I'm physically fit
I'm "healthy"
I like fashion
I dress well
I'm sociable
I'm kind
I excel
I'm involved
I overachieve
I don't complain unless something is complain-worthy in my mind
I do for others because it makes me happy
For all of these reasons I am liked, praised, complimented... and for all of these reasons it's hard to believe how much I suffer every single day in every single thing that I do.
You get to take a long shower, I can't because it hurts too much
You get to wear high heels, I can't because it hurts too much
You get to go for a walk with your dog, I can't because it hurts too much
You get to stand at the copy machine, I can't because it hurts too much
You get to work and go to school, I can't because it hurts too much
You get to type all day at your computer, I can't because it hurts too much
You get to drive your car whenever you want, I can't because it hurts too much
You get to stand and have a conversation, I can't because it hurts too much
You get to go places without chairs, I can't go because it hurts too much
YOU get to live your life, I can't because it hurts too much.
Imagine that? I look like I do. I act like I do. But it hurts too much.
This disease is mean and ugly, but the people who have it aren't. Imagine THAT?!
4 comments:
Oh, reading this filled my eyes with tears, because it is so true.
It IS an ugly disease, seemingly with no rhyme or reason.
It makes us decide terrible choices: will I have only 2 minute showers or do I purchase one of those shower chairs so I might enjoy the luxury of a bit longer in the warm water, which can be soothing for the pain?
Do I walk my gorgeous pup for 8 whole minutes and suffer for hours or even days afterward?
Can I manage to visit my friend, or will I not be able to concentrate because of the pain?
Always looking for a chair, the next place to sit and prevent the pain from spiralling out of control. Yes.
This is NOT fair, but is very cruel.
And yet, especially on this day of the Solstice and season of love and warmth, I must believe and remember that, despite the unimaginable amounts of pain we live in, there are still legions of people around the world who would accept our place in trade, gladly, to escape their much more painful lives and circumstances. I'm sure I don't need to suggest those circumstances...
Does that make it easier for us - or me - to live with this searing, burning, stabbing, aching pain? Well, it does help me try and keep it in perspective. For me, I try and cling to some perspective lest I give up my hope. It is my hope that keeps me going and my wish to help others.
Myself, I sometimes *do* complain bitterly; my closests (teenaged son and best friend) cannot even respond when I do, for they know there is nothing to be done and that I suffer most often with little relief. That complaining sometimes just makes me feel worse, I think, because they CAN'T do anything, as much as they'd LIKE to!
I am 'looking forward' to getting a mobility scooter so I might have some shred of independence and not wind up popping bottles full of pills after a short trip to the doctor. Yet, at the same time, I am SO resentful!
I resent like hell that I was injured at work, through no fault of my own, resent that by freak chance, perhaps, that I didn't heal but developed RSD/CRPS. Resent that I'm still fighting for worker's compensation assistance, when I so clearly deserve it!
And YET, to maintain my sanity, I must remember that yes, I have horrible pain, but it's not killing me; it just feels like it! I have food in my fridge, a roof over my head, and medications to help me cope with the pain. I may barely get by on my current disability benefits, but they are there for me, until I can return to work.
We have every right to be resentful, hurt and angry. Yes.
And when we are done, we take a breath and are grateful that we live in a place where we have a chance.
I wish for you the ability to express to your loved ones just how angry, sad in pain you are, when you need to. And then, because I know how smart you are, when you have vented, you will also think of how lucky you are.
Please remember that balance as I suspect such an amazing achiever such as yourself may also be reluctant to not be strong for a bit and to just let it out.
And then I wish for you, too, to 'un-get' RSD for Christmas!
Much love,
Lisa
And its the pretending...you know the part of our 'interview' my psychologist lecturer found stood out for him was my comment on pretending.
I find no words to say what I want to say except how right you are. And seeing how you rise up each and everyday I wonder if I will ever be able to be as graceful as you in living life?
Oh Maria....
I can completely understand where you are coming from and appreciate your thoughts on explaining how you feel!! Which you did so very well and I applaud you on your expressions!!
But, I do agree with Lisa....There are so many people out there that would gladly take our place!
All of my diagnosis' I truly consider to be gifts!! Gifts because they have taught me so much about myself, but mostly about genuine and heartfelt Joy, Love, Friends, Family, LIFE, Christianity, Happiness, Value, Self Worth, Trust, Togetherness, Understanding, and yes we can't forget, Sorrow, Anger, Suicide, Hate, Loneliness, Misunderstood, Worthlessness, and all the UGLINESS you can possibly think of!!
But when it is all said and done, God chose us to be the voices of RSD because He knew we were strong enough to take what it dishes out and still be able to spread the word so research will grow finding a cure so that the weaker individuals won't have to suffer as much if at all!!
My heart and prayers are with you Maria!!
Keep Smiling, Stay Strong, Hold Steady!!
~God Bless~
Coach Marla
I know how you all feal. I want to do things that I can no longer do, like running,shopping,sleeping, every day life. To enjoy thing that I took for granted before. People carnt see see the pain anger, and daspair, RSD suffers go through every day, its not just the RSD its all the other things that come along with it as well.Some people dont even try to under stand or want too. Most of the time it is hard, but you have no other choice. Try to keep strong you are doing so well
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