Hospital Adventure

Surprisingly, I don't hold any aversions to hospitals or anything related after my horrific stays. In fact, I kind of like hospitals when I am not the one tied to the bed via IVs and other tubes and wires, which is great since I will be doing my clinicals in such a setting come September.

Yesterday, I found myself back in a hospital less than two weeks after my yucky three days in (McDreamy told me I had toxic levels of their meds in my bloodstream...good job hospital professionals) to visit my dear, sweet Olivia. There was a bit of traveling involved, so my wonderful parents drove me and my crutches into the city to spend time with my little ray of sunshine. Aren't they amazing?!

My poor sweetpea is stuck in the hospital with pancreatitis :-( and has been taken off most of her meds. You guessed it, she's in an incredible amount of pain, but all smiles! She's been in that sad place for a week now, but her laugh is still as contagious as ever. She is so so so brave.

I know it's hard to see unless you have been through something traumatic, but now is the time to be thankful for the smallest of small aspects of your life. How about today you be thankful for just being comfy at home? Or being able to shower? Or sleep in your own bed? We spend too much time complaining and not enough time being thankful.

Let's Have An "Awwwwww" Moment

Here are some hidden treasures from my cell phone...cute pictures of my little pumpkin pie when he was a just a pup!

Olllliiivvviiiaaa

Okay, lovelies, I need more healing thoughts and prayers ASAP, pllllease! Olivia was supposed to be discharged Friday morning, and she is still in the hospital. Her kidneys are not functioning properly and her pancreas is inflamed. If she is not discharged today, I will be going up to give her my love in person... all of this because of RSD :-/

Spirituality

Not too long ago, one of my beloved blog readers left a comment on a mazy entry of mine focusing on my search for a "higher power." Her comment rang so loud and clear with me that I now recognize I have been experiencing divinity in my life all along, but just have not recognized it as so. My newfound, illness related contentness with the now, my life, myself, my family, my spirit, my body, my emotions, etc... IS, in fact, my spirituality shining through in the most obvious of ways (how could I not have known?!?!). I feel connected to myself, others, the earth, and my purpose in life in the most sentient and organic of ways, and have finally touched upon my ever so fabulous core of peace. Who knew?!!??!?!?


I have made a healing collage that I placed in the living room where I sit in my big, comfy recliner, and I plan on making another one today so that the universe sees and hears my desires.

Quick Update

I saw my dreamy McDreamy yesterday for a post-op pow wow, and I finally caught a glimpse of his handy work. The incision is quite large and gruesome.... but sooooooo cool!!!!!! I am healing at rates unknown to modern medicine (okay, maybe not, but the incision looks incredible and I have great range of motion for this early on in the healing process), and proud of it! He drew a picture of the "anatomical variant" he uncovered in my little tootsy footsy, and I must admit, it was enthralling for me (I love medicine). As luck or fate would have it, the scar tissue present in my foot became an issue because of the variant, otherwise, I most likely would have been fine. Again, the perfect storm occurred, and I wound up with RSD.

Here's hoping that I can heal from this surgery/RSD and not have to endure a repeat on my other leg!

Happy Saturdayyyyyyyyy!

Cookie Day

Once a week, I break my "temple of healing from RSD" way of life and have a sweet, nutritionally void, cookie treat, but this week, I'm not even interested (and I'm PMSing, who knew!). Cool!

Whole, healthy, raw foods are incredible for the body's lucious, healing powers, and best of all, you have to eat every two hours (tops for me!). I just love indulging in fresh, juicy, colorful fruits, veggies, and nuts... not to mention their juices from my miraculous little juicer! The one aspect of RSD slaying that is super hard for me to eradicate from my fresh and raw existance is caffeine. I'm down to four ounces a day, which is a sizeable improvement compared to what once upon a time was 16oz a day, but the medications I am indulging in for RSD beg for a little pick me up. If I refrained from a diminutive caffeine buzz, I would amble around in an altered state of zombie-hood all day (all those on neurontin and pain meds know what I am speaking of). I am hopeful that there will come a day when the need for meds and caffeine will expire :-)


Food is medicine, peeps! Eat up!

Body Language

How many times have you had a pain, symptom, or chronic illness that you popped a pill for and pushed through? Don't get me wrong, pills are great when you need them. I take quite a few for RSD, and if I didn't, I would be in a wheelchair or even suicidal (that is how intense RSD pain is). But, while the nerve pain was forming and progressing years ago, I basically told my body to "shut up," and I perservered. For what? I'm not quite sure, but what I do know is, that behavior is officially antiquated... of no use whatsoever.

The body is miraculous. I mean, how cool is it that when there is an imbalance somewhere it talks to you!!?? That's what symptoms of any kind are; your body's way of telling you to stop, listen, and look for an imbalance somwhere in the system. To go even more in depth when hearing your body out, look beyond the obvious cause of the symptoms. For example, the nerve pain began while I was running, pushing myself too hard, and not treating myself with compassion. I wasn't fueling myself properly, holding myself to unreasonably high standards (darn perfectionism), and practically running on empty. These behaviors continued until I became virtually debilitated with this nerve disease. Looking beyond the obvious, structural causes for my pain, I found a lack of confidence and self-compassion oozing from my behaviors, and I vowed to get to work in order to live a balanced life.

If I am lucky, I will heal my body, mind, and spirit through this self-discovery and self-improvement (with the help of McDreamy's magic hands).

Today's lesson, look beyond the symptoms.

Hands hurt! Ouch! They are telling me to stop typing.

Food Karma

This blog is awesome! Some of it is disturbing for animal lovers/vegans like myself, but it's great to spread this horrible knowledge to those who do consume and are interested.

http://foodkarmaalert.blogspot.com/

Words

"There is no failure. What our society defines as failure or an obstacle, with all the negative connotations, is actually an opportunity -- a chance to learn important life lessons and create something positive." - Dr. Darren R. Weissman


Sooooo, perhaps I have found my area of faith, wisdom, love, healing, and learning. I'm a bit "new age," but it suits me well. I have always been the essence of "new age"... a bit out there in my thoughts...slightly hippie-ish... peace, love, and harmony (and veggies!). The book I am reading now, The Power of Infinite Love and Gratitude, by Dr. Darren R. Weissman, is superb in all areas, but especially in it's elaboration of what healing is and how to heal oneself (mind-body connection!).

One of the sections in the text focuses on "words" and their place and power in the healing process. Dr. Weissman addresses commonly misused, negative words like "can't" and "try" and their effects on the body's healing mechanisms, but he also touches on a seemingly harmless word, "my." When one addresses his/her disease as "my RSD/my cancer/my...," he/she creates an identity that lets the condition define the individual (even if you don't feel that way!!!). Dr. Weissman stresses that words, their vibrations, and their connotations leave lasting impressions on the mind and body even if we are not meaning to hinder our thinking and healing.

From now on, RSD is no longer "my disease" but "the disease" or any other phrase that does not label the illness as part of me.

My hands hurt badly from my crutches and RSD, so that is all for today. Pick up the text if you want more!

Juicer!

Yipee skippy!!! I got my first juicer today!!! What a great appendage to my "temple of healing" (aka my body)!!! I can't wait to consume delicious, healing, juicy cups of chi even when I'm full. This means I can squeeze in even more healing in the forms of fruit and veggie liquids :-)

See what happens when you get a disease?! You go a little nuts... mmmm, nuts... I love nuts...

Happy juicing!

Olivia

I spoke to my sweet darling this morning. She is all set up and doing well, but getting more sleepy as the lidocaine dose increases. Thank you for all your healing thoughts! Keep them coming!

Temple of Healing

Let's talk about the mind-body healing connection. This surgery/recovery period is the most important event in my life (by far). My intuition tells me that if I do not create a healing center within my body and mind, I may never find a "real" remission of my symptoms, and I could very well be crippled someday seeing how this disease is progressing (I classify a "real" remission as one that does not include any medications or devices in order to moderate my pain).

During this recovery, I am focusing a hefty amount of my energies on diet (70%-80% raw vegan...food is medicine), my emotional health and attempting to surround myself with only the most positive energy available to me in the form of a handful of friends, my immediate family, and the professionals that love and care for me. I am an energetic empath, so it easy for me to be totally effected by and absorb other people's negative energies. This, I believe, has been a monumental force in my overall mental, emotional, and physical health (yes, I am a wealth of health besides for RSD). I notice this most when I come in contact with a negative energy after voluntarily seperating myself from it for a long period of time. It's incredibly toxic.

I am feeding my mind with new knowledge by reading about topics I enjoy and am curious about every day (medicine, psych, soc, spirituality, and even sharks!). I am perpetually curious, reminiscent of a small child incessantly asking, "why?"


My emotional health is at the best it has ever been, and this has been an unrivaled component of my recovery process. Therapy rocks! Good emotional health consists of being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, learning healthy ways to cope with stressors (big and small), feeling good about oneself, and having healthy relationships (positive energies for all!).

The mind-body connection is notable and quite incredible when you can experience it's workings first hand. I mean, I have a progressive, incurbale disease, debilitating pain, three surgeries in a year+, two hospitals stays in two months that involved me being extremely ill and afraid of dying in those beds, etc... and I have never been happier in my life. That doesn't mean I don't hope for remission every moment, but life is thrilling and gorgeous each day.

There is good all around.

Consider the mind-body connection in your healing because, unfortunately, many doctors do not mention it to you when you are in their offices.

What's good about life today? Everything!

The Excitement In My Life

I have successfully deconstructed the half cast thinger the doctor braced my leg and foot with after surgery. It's time to start moving this puppy around to avoid any unncecssary scar tissue production and to also keep my RSD from worsening at all. All efforts are good because my incision site is becoming more bendy each time I do my "exercises." It's been one week since the little sucker was cut open to reveal some of my silly insides, and I am quite happy with how I am healing so far. I can't lie, part of me is itching to look at my incision. I know, I'm gross.

It's back to McDreamy on Friday for stitch removal and a looky at the artwork of my dreamy handy man.

A Great Request

My dear, sweet friend, Olivia, is entering the hospital today at 10:00AM for a lidocaine infusion for her RSD. She will be there for 5 days, and I beg that you all send her healthy, happy, healing thoughts and prayers. She deserves so much more than a life with chronic, debilitating pain.

I am sending a request to the energies and spirits of this world and others:


Please keep my Olivia safe, comfortable, and happy during her hospital stay this week. Bless her, her family, and the professionals taking care of her. Give them steady hands and mighty hearts, so that my little ray of sunshine can live a better life. Wrap her in a cloak of healing and protect her always. She deserves so much more health and happiness.



I will have my whole body crossed for 5 days.

My Pup Is Back!

I am elated! My little love is back in my life! I went 5 days without my sweet puppy, and it was beyond a lengthy seperation for me. How can it be that a little fur baby can make me so darn smiley... even when he is annoying (which all 6 month old, mischievous, 50 pound dogs can be)?!?!?!?!

He has such a great energy about him, and it's so fun to always have that little energy in the room with me. He brings me beyond many extra smiles compared to when he is not around. No wonder they use pets in hospitals to help the ill recover quickly!

The Aftermath

Okay, so, how do I feel? Pretty good. My spirits are up. My family is giving me the best care possible. I have my dog back (he was being watched by the bf).

To put RSD into perspective for some of you who are not very familiar with it, my "RSD foot" (both legs have RSD but my dominant leg right now is flaring taking all of my weight each time I move) hurts wayyyyyyyyyyyyy more than a foot that has just been operated on. That's a pretty significant statement considering major surgery is kind of a big deal. But, alas, the world keeps spinning, and I must get around somehow.

I started off the first day or two at home recovering from my morphine allergy (talk about awful), but I feel much stronger and like myself again.

Let's hope that I have made myself enough of a temple of healing with diet, spirituality, love, compassion, social support, laughter, hugs, and kisses :-) I'd want nothing more than that. Oh, to be healthy again.

Updates Again

I'm home from the hospital and feeling much stronger on this summer day, although I am stuck inside with my silly bandages. The hospital stay was horrific yet again, but at least it was shorter than the last one! Have to look at the upsides of things here...

I seemed to have had a bad reaction to the epidural and morphine. Dare we say "allergic." I was zonked out and throwing up the whole time. Gross.

But, the upside of it all is that I bounce back fast :-) and that McDreamy found an actual physical deformity of my nerve when he opened me up higher than the last time. My nerve was wrapped around a ligament and other crazy things rather than traveling down my leg and foot like a normal little nerve should. He fixed that up, and my parents said he looked like a giddy school boy telling them what he found. It's always great news when the surgeon is happy :-)

Please visualize me healthy and off these crutches soon minus RSD! Thanks for all the support!

Surgery Tomorrow

...and a three day hospital stay :-/

Incredible

This is incredible for it is all the things I think on a daily basis but cannot put into words effectively because of all fear, pain, joy, love, and inner turmoil being sorted out in my own head due to my spreading disease and impending major surgery. This was posted on a sight I frequent that supports wellness on all levels in the face of disease.



A Message by George Carlin:

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways,but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Idle Hands Have Less Pain

As for a pain/disease progression update, the pain in my hands/arms has gone from intermittent to a constant source of discomfort in the last two-ish weeks. Typing has become more difficult (the more I use them the more they hurt), and the little yoga I do has turned into even littl-er yoga I do hehe...boo hoo... I guess this disease really is progressive. Ouch (in more ways than one)!

I was in the hospital today for pre-admission testing, and the blood pressure cuff AND blood drawing created great RSD discomfort, which is probably why my hands hurt more than usual tonight. Hopefully, a good night's sleep and some positive thinking will make tomorrow a better day.

RSD Warrior

"Sadness teaches you about humility, grace, gentlesness. Sadness often makes you quiet, and in that quietness, you begin to hear the truth of your soul" (Seale, 211).

RSD creates an endless roller coaster of hope and despair, hope and despair, hope and despair, etc... Right now, I am fighting the dip of despair in this cruel ride, the inner turmoil, as I try to learn life's greatest lessons.

I have a hospital stay coming up in a little over a week and, and that creates a myriad of emotions, mainly anxiety for all that is unknown and for the laborious recovery period ahead. Will this surgery help me? Will this surgery make me worse? Either outcome is possible, and no matter how many times I check to see if I dotted all my i's and crossed all my t's, it won't gaurantee a good outcome. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst always, because after three years of disappointments, that's all you can do to stay sane.

Yesterday, I made a list of all the things I can and cannot control. All of the elements underneath the "can't control" heading are all the elements I would kill to control (okay, maybe not KILL, but you know what I mean). Hmmm, that shouldn't be... We need to change that immediately!!!

Let's talk about attachment. It stinks. Ha! I mean, it's something that I need to work on defeating, because attachment to outcome has the ability to create disappointment, while non-attachment to outcome allows us to live in the moment and take an experience for what it is rather than what it's end outcome will be. This is a hard thing to do when I am in so much pain and discomfort on a daily basis, but it is something that I really wish to work toward.

Happy Friday!

Free Time To Heal

Since my days are filled with free time, except when I have my many doctor visits, I have vowed to learn, grow, and personally develop all I can in the months leading up to graduate school. I spend the majority of my time reading books of interest to me that can help me along in the process. I want to be my strongest mentally, emotionally, and spiritually by the time I enter the long haul that is a master's degree when one has a disease that affects every aspect of one's existance.

"Healing is the growth that each person seeks. Healing is what happens when we come to our edge, to the unexplored territory of mind and body" (Seale, 126).

I'm certain Alan Seale is speaking of the type of healing I am working toward. That healing that we all strive for, but that does not come easily, and sadly enough, often comes with a disease (just like mine has). This healing is exhausting, because it does not come without hard work and a good amount of struggle. In fact, it may be the hardest work you will ever do.

"The first step is to realize that healing is happening all the time. It has been happening all along. It may be hard to see when times are tough, and when you feel trapped in circunstances that appear beyond your control, when you are in any kind of pain, when there is abuse on any level. But, if you can step into much higher levels from there, you can recognize that every place that you are is perfect for you in your journey, and that every being whom you are encountering, time and space is perfect for accomplishng the lesson at hand" (Seale, 127).

What is that lesson at hand? That lesson is "healing," and we should always work toward healing ourselves. Too often we are caught up in the hum drum of the everyday only going with the motions. We MUST "show up" to life. We must REALLY live so that we can heal. That may mean different things for each person, but I often find that helping others is one way to show up to life and heal. This can mean something as simple as saying "hello" and passing your smile onto someone else, who will then pass their smile onto the next person. Love produces more love.

Join me in my healing, will you?

Back In Town

First, I would like to say a HUGE thank you to all of your well wishes in my previous entry. They mean the world to me!

I was out of town for a few days visiting Olivia, my good friend with RSD. We had an absolute blast! She is a joy to be around, and I miss her so much when we have to part ways for a bit. One day, we walked, hmmmm 3 blocks maybe, to the bookstore and back, and that did us both in for the next day. We didn't leave the house at all to recover. Pathetic? Maybe. Smart? Absolutely! I was proud of us for fighting the urges to push through the pain and go outside exploring on a gorgeous spring day. It's never an easy decision. Both of us are high-energy, explorer types. We love to go out and live in the moment, going where the wind takes us to experience new and magnificent things. When we aren't doing this, our high-energy turns into restlessness, which can turn into anger for the both of us. When we are together, that anger abates, and we spend our time talking, laughing, loving... She is simply a joy to be around, and I wish I could share her with all of you. Publishing her poems on my blog is my small attempt at doing so.