Here I am avoiding homework, and it is only the first week... My mind just isn't in it this semester. It's somewhere else. It's on my treatments, my healing, and gaining as much knowledge as I can about alternative medicine, food, supplements, and ways of living that will enhance my chances for recovery. Those things just cannot wait. The longer I have the disease, the more it spreads. It's strange to feel my mind being pulled in two different directions all while trying to maintain a sense of balance and good stress management skills. Graduate school is ridiculously difficult, especially if you are sick and actively in treatment.
My 8:30AM-9:30PM Wednesday didn't go so well. I had to take more opiates than usual, and I had no choice but to be zippying around all day in my field placement and on campus. I made it through, but I did leave my second class to call my mom and cry a bit. It had been building up all day. For those of you with RSD, you know how traumatic the pain can be. It became really difficult to concentrate, write my notes because of pain in my hands, and sitting was hurting my upper legs and butt where the pain had traveled to.. and I as I looked around at all the other students I thought, "It's not fair that I have to fight through so much pain and everyone else doesn't." That's when I called my mother because I could tell how frustrated I was getting by my silent comment. No matter how much I know life isn't fair, it doesn't do much for me when I am in that much pain. At that point, life should be fair because I feel as if I'm being tortured.
I don't know if I should lighten my load a little or just keep my head up for a few more months and push through until my looong summer break? The disease is what it is right now... not good.
Decisions, Decisions.
EDIT: A decision was made to drop one class. My parents sat with me while I cried and let me know that they are behind me 100% and that I am fighting a very hard battle right now in so many ways that it's best I lighten my load. I will still be a full-time student which means I still have my health insurance :-)
5 comments:
I want to wrap my arms round you and give you a big "I understand" hug...I'm glad you had the ability to make a good decision about dropping a class. This is another thing that demonstrates just how strong you are. Even though it make take you a little while longer to finish, the offloaded stress will be worth it. Take care my friend, I just hope that you will start seeing some improvement from your treatments soon so it lightens up your load and you can concentrate back on grad school. Here for you always if you want to just talk or vent. More ((hugs))
Hi Maria,
I have been reading your blog for awhile but this is my first comment. I was diagnosed with RSD about a year and a half ago and I am also in graduate school. So much of what you write about really touches me and makes me feel not so alone.
I wanted to let you know that after I was diagnosed I dropped my classes down so that I am now a part time student and it was a very good decision for me. I hope that taking one less class can help lighten the load for you.
I often remind myself that time off from school to rest and take care of myself is as important (or maybe more important) as time spent in school.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I don't often talk about my RSD with people so reading your blog entries really help me not feel so alone.
Hi Maria,
I must tell you that you are an incredible lady and I know in my heart your parents have helped you make the wisest choice for YOU!! And, I am so very proud of you for 'knowing' your body, 'listening' to your intuition, and most importantly .... for continuing to 'Live' despite RSD!! YOU ROCK!!
And Zoey,
I am so glad you were comfortable enough to talk a little about your RSD, and I hope you will continue to do so!! I wish you much encouragement for your daily life as well!!
Both you ladies are a true inspiration to so many....I stand and applaud you both!!
~God Bless~
Coach Marla
Oh, sweetie, I am SOOOO proud of you!
I know how hard it must have been to make that decision and how bloody unfair it seems that you need to do so.
But that's just it: you NEED to do so - and your taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
Never forget in the field of caring that you must always take care of yourself before you can help take care of anyone else!
You're so strong and brave and brilliant. I know it's a blow to your self-image to feel like you're 'slowing down' but I truly believe that your focus on your health will only benefit you and your continuing education - both school-wise and personally.
You inspire me always and reading about your parents is incredibly touching; they sound like amazing people - no surprise considering how amazing their daughter is!
You can be proud of yourself, too! Just remember, those people who don't have to suffer so in your classes still do struggle, and yet you manage to carry on with this invisible-ish burden! Yay, Maria!
Much love and support always,
Lisa
oh, RSD is so mean! It sucks having to cut back on things...I tried to study off campus after 12 months of doing nothing, then I had to drop it because I was in too much pain to attend an on campus weekend (I had a dislocated jaw!)...so, turns out it wasn't really so OFF campus! I'm still a little peeved...hoping I can do something next semester, I don't think I could handle even the stress of one class right now...so I agree, you are one tough cookie!!
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