It took one more "pain flare," one more suicide-inducing torture fest!, to get me to lighten up and lighten the burden I put on myself. The last few days have been a battle of wills, my wills, deciding whether to crumble like a poisonous non-organic, non-vegan chocolate chip cookie or stay rooted, like the veggies I worship, in my mission to show this disease who is boss. Not only has my pain progressed, but so have the overt physical symptoms, which I have to say, frightened me way more than any spreading/worsening of firey pain.
Monday, I was sent home by my field instructor, an incredible, understanding, kind woman, after a wide-eyed stare at my gross looking feet and told to stay home Tuesday, which, thank the veggie gods, I did. It's always interesting to see the horrified looks on people's faces when they see my bare feet, as if I don't already know how bad this all is.
Monday and Tuesday were full of water works and supportive listening and hugs by my parents. My biggest fear is ending up in a wheelchair, which I would already be in if not for my opiates, and no amount of my magic pills could give me quality of life the last few days. This leads to the announcement that my father has already started the ball rolling on finding me a specialist who is well practiced in titrating methadone. Methadone, here I come.
No more psycho-student. I'm giving myself a break from here on out or else I will end up in a loony bin (I say that term fondly, as I am a mental health professional in training). I am almost positive this pain flare was stress induced because I have been going through a pretty traumatic and difficult personal experience beyond my disease. I just haven't written about it...
I'm running a support group today, so off to get prepared!!!
3 comments:
Ask your Mum for another hug and it will be from me. I want a magic wand, I would wave it and make you all better, why is life so unfair.
Maria, I hope the personal experience that is causing you extra stress gets resolved soon so you are not so over burdened.
I'm glad to hear you have a very understanding field instructor, as much as it must have felt awful having to go home, having someone see that you need to and justify it makes things easier somehow.
I'm thinking of you, praying for you. Take care and dont give up hope.
Cyber ((HUGS))
Oh, gosh, I am sooo grateful, not only for your field instructor, but for your lovely and amazing parents! I am so glad you have those angels watching out for you!!!
Yes, I can easily relate to personal experiences causing the pain to flare. I hope this is something you're able to work through, leaving your body better able to keep strong as it needs to.
I hope you have all the space and support to work through the personal stuff, too; don't overlook it as caregivers are prone to do!
Always thinking of you, sending you my best. I'm so inspired by you - not just when you're taking over the world, but when you're talking about your very real fears, hopes, wishes and dreams. It's then when I know how much we all share, despite such diverse circumstances.
You are one incredible woman and, medication, wheelchair or not, you will always be a hero of mine - and obviously many others!
With much love and support, my dear - I'm always here for you, too.
Lisa
PS Perhaps it's interesting, but I personally fear having to use a wheelchair far less than living a lifetime with the kind of pain I currently have (which is sometimes well-served by the current med regime and other times... well, as you know, bottles-full wouldn't make a difference).
Isn't it interesting how our differences and fears affect us? I find it all quite fascinating, somehow...
Keep on your path with those amazing adjustments you make for yourself; know when to stay the course, to turn, to weave, to pull back and to wait. That, to me, is the sign of genius - being able to be flexible in your brilliance!
Post a Comment