Thursday, February 19, 2009
Guess Who Is Tweaking Her Life Again
I needed a swift kick in the rear from my field instructor (several times) to realize that scaling back in my field hours would not hurt anyone, clients or supervisors, and that it would only help me to have a better quality of life so that I can help my clients even more. My parents and instructor have mentioned to me several times that I should scale back, but I refused thinking that if I could only make it through this semester, I would get a long summer break to recover. Tuesday, my instructor asked me, "What are you trying to prove by pushing yourself so hard?" That was a great question, and I let it simmer, because I really didn't know. The only reason I could think of, albeit a stupid one, was that I just wanted to do things the "easy" way, which, ironically, for me was the HARD way.
For the last few weeks I have not been enjoying my life, which for me, is a bizarre thought. I LOVE LIFE!!!! But, I felt as if I was only trying to survive each day to get to a weekend where I could lay flat on my back with the occasional trip out through terrible pain just to feel "normal" and read through hundreds of pages of psych and soc material. That's not my idea of a good time, so the weekends weren't really all that much to look forward to anyway.
As anyone with RSD knows, the pain is fucking unbearable (a curse word is relevant when speaking about this disease), and I am a former long distance runner (we strive for pain!) who cannot even handle this pain some days. My quality of life was decreasing as each week went along, and that is a MISERABLE way to live. Thankfully, my positive attitude cultivated in a year of mental health therapy kept me afloat, but honestly, it could have been easy to fall into a depression while only trying to survive the days. What's the point of even waking up in the morning if that is what life has become?
A physically easier day Tuesday and Wednesday left me with enough mojo this morning to walk my dog up and down infront of my house twice. That seems pathetic, but this is coming from a girl who has NEVER taken her dog for a walk before. I so enjoyed watching him prance around, and it was wonderful for the spirit to be out in nature with my best friend, even if it was only for 8 minutes.
Sooo, with all that said, I'm only scaling back four hours a week, but that alone will give me Tuesdays free to stay off my feet (besides for chelation therapy in the afternoon). I feel as if a HUGE burden has been lifted off of me knowing that there is a period of rest between my very looong, physically, mentally, and emotionally difficult Mondays and Wednesdays.
Life is so precious, and wishing away the days is not the way to bounce along this road called self-determination and personal development. My compassion for others and animals was far more than my compassion for myself, and that is something I am working on changing.