Monday, May 18, 2009
Stay Close To Me While The Sky Is Falling
**How cute are we?! And, that is what I wore today. You can just see the pain in my face, literally and figuratively. I had pain over every inch of my body. Sometimes, I feel as if I look a little worn for 24 years old. Under my little sweater is a bright yellow top with little white polka dots. I accessorized with gold everything, even my shoes.
My first day back at my field placement was bittersweet... difficult, fun, painful, challenging, fulfilling. You name it, I felt it. Due to my usual PMS pain flare, it was challenging trying to navigate the mini-hospital-like-layout and the 9AM-5PM hours. I have to admit, by 2PM-3PM I am merely trying to survive the work day, praying that the magical hour of 5PM rolls around sooner than later.
After so much physical activity, my body becomes like a mood ring changing colors, from red, to purple, to blue, depending on the type and level of pain, and now that spring/summer has come (meaning no socks are worn to cover up the discoloration), I get to see the damage more often. Believe me, one never gets used to seeing her legs blue in color, which means a lack of oxygen, because it signifies a future necrosis (death) of bone, muscles, tendons... but you try to ignore it as best you can.
Today is one of those days where I feel afraid. It happens to the very best of us...
The only time I feel okay is when I am on my couch with my feet up, and I REFUSE to live my life from there watching the world go on around me, but at the same time, I cannot do what I did today every day of my life trying to have a career. It is sickening. This disease is cruel.
When the day ended and I made it home, I curled up on that couch of mine, home base where I am safe, and cried. My silent tears turned into loud sobs and that is when my pup came to lick the tears off of my face. Sadness turns to smiles, and when he sees that, he figures his job is done and chases his tail :-) Smiles turn to laughter...
I've retired to home base for the night to rest up and recharge. Thankfully, I don't go back to field until Thursday!
Today, I am thankful that my dad told me it will all be OK. I have to believe it.
“One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.” --Erich Fromm