**How cute are we?! And, that is what I wore today. You can just see the pain in my face, literally and figuratively. I had pain over every inch of my body. Sometimes, I feel as if I look a little worn for 24 years old. Under my little sweater is a bright yellow top with little white polka dots. I accessorized with gold everything, even my shoes.
My first day back at my field placement was bittersweet... difficult, fun, painful, challenging, fulfilling. You name it, I felt it. Due to my usual PMS pain flare, it was challenging trying to navigate the mini-hospital-like-layout and the 9AM-5PM hours. I have to admit, by 2PM-3PM I am merely trying to survive the work day, praying that the magical hour of 5PM rolls around sooner than later.
After so much physical activity, my body becomes like a mood ring changing colors, from red, to purple, to blue, depending on the type and level of pain, and now that spring/summer has come (meaning no socks are worn to cover up the discoloration), I get to see the damage more often. Believe me, one never gets used to seeing her legs blue in color, which means a lack of oxygen, because it signifies a future necrosis (death) of bone, muscles, tendons... but you try to ignore it as best you can.
Today is one of those days where I feel afraid. It happens to the very best of us...
The only time I feel okay is when I am on my couch with my feet up, and I REFUSE to live my life from there watching the world go on around me, but at the same time, I cannot do what I did today every day of my life trying to have a career. It is sickening. This disease is cruel.
When the day ended and I made it home, I curled up on that couch of mine, home base where I am safe, and cried. My silent tears turned into loud sobs and that is when my pup came to lick the tears off of my face. Sadness turns to smiles, and when he sees that, he figures his job is done and chases his tail :-) Smiles turn to laughter...
I've retired to home base for the night to rest up and recharge. Thankfully, I don't go back to field until Thursday!
Today, I am thankful that my dad told me it will all be OK. I have to believe it.
“One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.” --Erich Fromm
7 comments:
RECHARGEEEE! I wish I had a break to do that with. Oh well. Hope you feel more energized soon!! =) And thank you for the compliment on my blog title hehe.
thank you for the comment on my blog! Youre sweet.
And good luck with everything! I hope tomorrow is an easier day. :)
hey there.
thanks for dropping by. :) i certainly do love to read what you have to write. thank you so much for your kind comment. i hope that your days will get better.
i admire your strength. keep the will strong, and with god's will, you will be okay dear.
take good care of yourself and do keep in touch. it's great to have a friend from your side of the world. :)
awww you guys are adorable
Loving the outfit posts! Your style it too cute not to flaunt! ;)
Of course, hard to hear you had a difficult first day at field... but doodles are the best at cheering you up. That Shorter, busy life he has!
Lily went for a run yesterday with Dan and Lucky... although she doesn't enjoy running much and dan says she "slows them down." Poor bumbler!
xoxo
Ooh, you look sooo pretty, Maria - and yes, I can see the pain, but I think not everyone can tell but us who know it...
I'm excited for you to be finishing your placement but worry about the accompanying pain levels. I'll be thinking of you LOTS, sending out pain-free vibes from the other side of our continent!
I have had many of those days, coming home just to lie there and cry. It is so sweet and wonderful that you have Shorter to help chase those tears away. Animals are magical that way, aren't they?!
Glad you and your angel pup have each other. :)
<3
I can soooo relate. But I feel bad that you actually have to stay at work when you get your pain flare ups. I can just leave school. You're very strong. Keep it up!
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