"Just For The Record..."

Me: "I'm getting worse..."

Mom: "No, don't say that! You are getting better! This guy is helping you!"

Me: "I know this is promising, Mom, but just for the record, I'm getting a lot worse."

Mom: (sad look) "Don't you think I can see that... You don't get to go do anything anymore. I know."

Me: "But, everyone kept telling me that it doesn't always spread... that's a small chance. Why do I have to be the one that has it spread all over???"


This was a small conversation I had with my beloved mom this morning, and of course, I cried, as I always do when talk about this disease becomes serious. This is the reality of it all, of life. It's not pretty. I have to take opiates now just to sit around my house without feeling like my limbs have been set on fire. In the summer, I used to be able to tough it out and go a whole day (whooo hooo) without an opiate and just taking the other meds I have. Now, I've swallowed my pride (and more opiates) because going without would be torture and detrimental to my physical, emotional, and spiritual self.

What is the message behind these ramblings? FEAR. I AM SCARED. Pushing that fear aside and not recognizing it isn't the way to go, but letting it consume me shouldn't be an option either. After reading the bio of a friend on one of my raw food loving websites (http://my.crazysexylife.com/profile/CarolynNewman), I realized that this whole time, fear has been motivating me to live better, do better, be better. Without the fear of this disease spreading, would I have taken so much control over what I eat, drink, think, say, and do? Probably not. So, is fear a bad thing? Not necessarily, but we have the responsibility to turn our fear into action instead of being paralyzed by it.


FYI, Carolyn has a wonderful website, http://www.warriorwear4u.com, where she sells sexy and sassy compression socks for us goddesses who just happen to have a chronic illness.

Avoiding Homework

Here I am avoiding homework, and it is only the first week... My mind just isn't in it this semester. It's somewhere else. It's on my treatments, my healing, and gaining as much knowledge as I can about alternative medicine, food, supplements, and ways of living that will enhance my chances for recovery. Those things just cannot wait. The longer I have the disease, the more it spreads. It's strange to feel my mind being pulled in two different directions all while trying to maintain a sense of balance and good stress management skills. Graduate school is ridiculously difficult, especially if you are sick and actively in treatment.

My 8:30AM-9:30PM Wednesday didn't go so well. I had to take more opiates than usual, and I had no choice but to be zippying around all day in my field placement and on campus. I made it through, but I did leave my second class to call my mom and cry a bit. It had been building up all day. For those of you with RSD, you know how traumatic the pain can be. It became really difficult to concentrate, write my notes because of pain in my hands, and sitting was hurting my upper legs and butt where the pain had traveled to.. and I as I looked around at all the other students I thought, "It's not fair that I have to fight through so much pain and everyone else doesn't." That's when I called my mother because I could tell how frustrated I was getting by my silent comment. No matter how much I know life isn't fair, it doesn't do much for me when I am in that much pain. At that point, life should be fair because I feel as if I'm being tortured.

I don't know if I should lighten my load a little or just keep my head up for a few more months and push through until my looong summer break? The disease is what it is right now... not good.

Decisions, Decisions.

EDIT: A decision was made to drop one class. My parents sat with me while I cried and let me know that they are behind me 100% and that I am fighting a very hard battle right now in so many ways that it's best I lighten my load. I will still be a full-time student which means I still have my health insurance :-)

Here We Go Again

Although I never stopped going to my field placement, I was awarded a month off from classes for all my hard work (aka winter recess), but even found this down time stressful because I never get a break from RSD. Much to my dismay, classes begin again tomorrow for the spring semester. It's not that I don't like school, it's just that a full course load in graduate school + a field placement + a disease + being actively in treatment for said disease = a lot of mental, emotional, and physical stress at one time. Sometimes I wonder if I bit off more than I can chew, but hopefully, I will be cured sometime soon... :-) Despite the great outcome of last semester, it was a struggle, and there were many moments when I did not feel like pushing through the pain anymore, so knowing that... Hold up! Rewind! Back to the present moment! My futuristic thinking is taking me off my righteous path to self-fulfillment, and I have to remember to focus on today. One day at a time.

I had my third chelation treatment today, and I figured out a way, with the help of my supervisor, to split up my days at field so I can get two treatments a week. I don't want to drag this disease out any longer than it already has been dragged out. Four years is enough time to be in pain, thank you very much. My brain, aka the worry factory, can't wrap my mind around my Wednesdays this semester, which will have me leaving the house at 8:30AM and not getting home until 9:30PM. Gosh. I'll make it, though.

Here's to another semester in grad school. Pray for me!!!!! :-)

P.S. Thank you all yet again for your positive, supportive, and inspiring comments. My smiles and thank yous are endless.

P.P.S. I made a smoothie this morning with organic ingredients - banana, raw cashew butter, almond milk, raw coconut, and a handful of spinach. Delicious!!!

Do I Look Detoxed Yet?

My Journey Toward Health

EDIT: All my nuts and seeds are raw/sprouted

It has been close to one week since I received the information of a lifetime and drastically changed an already drastic diet. I can say with certainty that it has been easier on me because of my seven month dabble in the plant based, raw food world, but that does not exclude me from having savage cravings of the foods I can no longer enjoy... sugar is pretty addictive. This experience has changed my perspective to where I will NEVER look at food the same again, and the more I learn, the more edible delights appear as poison in my eyes (start googling, people, it's astounding). In a perfect world, if I ever went into remission, would I go back to eating the way I did before this eye-opener? NEVER. I know too much now and what a blessing it is figure this stuff out at 24 years old instead of 84 years old. I am building my ideal body, mind, and spirit to enjoy for years to come.

So, for any of you who are interested in how I am eating/drinking/supplementing, I will give you the rundown of a typical day. I won't even mention the water I drink because that is even more boring then what I am about to type! Not to me, though. I really like these foods. Oh, and everything is organic.

Morning: Organic coffee with a little soy creamer, 2 flax toast slices
Greens, olive oil, sunflower seeds
blueberries
brown rice conoction

Afternoon: Broccoli, olive oil, cashews
Pumpkin seeds
Cucumber, cabbage, carrots, olive oil
16oz of green juice (Today was red chard, cucumber, and green apple)
Spirulina ball with nuts


Evening: Raw snack with coconut, date, etc...
Cooked brussel sprouts, olive oil
Pistachios
Strawberries
greens, olive oil
ETC... I think you get the point. It's just a bunch of snacks, really.


I'm using two supplements from the doctors office that are diluted in water so they don't taste as nasty...blech. I take chlorella, wheat grass, spirulina, and magnesium now along with all the other supplements I usually take, and I am having chelation two times a week.

I've been told you feel worse before you feel better, and I can swear to the realness of detox symptoms!!!

How Did I Get Arsenic In My System?

That seems to be the burning question!!!! I promise you all that I have not been poisoned...well, at least not by anyone I know. Arsenic is in our environment. It's in our water, air, soil, and food... but in small amounts, the liver detoxes the body like it does with many other unhealthy substances found in our environments. With great sadness, I tell you that our fruits and veggies are sprayed with pesticides that include arsenic, and being a big veg head my whole life, I have been exposed to amounts that my liver saw and ran from!!! I gave Mr. Liver too big of a job to handle, and the arsenic levels continued to rise.

The first symptom to occur from chronic arsenic exposure is peripheral neuropathy... nerve pain in the legs and arms. A coincidence? I really don't think so.

First order of business for me, only eat and drink organic. Second order of business, receive 15-20 chelation therapies to detox my body of arsenic. I have my second chelation session on Friday.

My food allergies leave me with a very very limited diet and of the foods I can eat, I can't eat them everyday or else I will develop an allergy to them like I have the others. Third order of business, avoid sugar (for the candida I have) and avoid the foods I am allergic to while rotating the foods I can eat.

All a small price to pay for good health!

I believe the lifetime cure or management of RSD lies within the root cause of the disease, and that root cause, has nothing to do with where traditional medicine is going in their research. My pain response is broken and ketamine will block the main component in the pain response... but WHY is my pain response broken is the real question holding the real answer. But, that's just me...

I want my RSD to leave my body forever, and I want to take part in a lifestyle that will assure it does not return (or at the very least, if the damage is done, assure it will not spread).

There is hope! NEVER EVER give up searching for the cause and the cure. It is out there, but at this point, we have to be the researchers taking charge of our own diseases, bodies, and lives. We need to create environments in us and around us that are not conducive to disease. We are responsible for that.

Quickie Update

I am full of arsenic!!!!!!!!!! Lowest mercury level he has ever seen but highest arsenic level!!! How terrible! I am also allergic to pretty much everything but certain organic fruits, veggies, nuts, and sprouted breads. I also have candida! Ahhhh!!!!!!! What a mess! I'm not absorbing certain nutrients and my immune system is so compromised right now that it's attacking foods that I eat religiously because it thinks it's a foreign organism...kale, garlic, brewer's yeast, beans... It's also heightened because of the candida, which can be considered a real foreign body because of the crazy overgrowth. My sugar intake has to be cut wayyyy down, but with my allergy to brewer's yeast, I won't be able to eat bread and desserts anymore, anyway.

I started my road to recovery today with chelation therapy and a list of foods I CAN eat.

It all makes sense when compared with what my body tells me and what my intuition tells me. Now, I have the scientific proof to back it up!

V Is For Victory

More so than ever, I am positive this disease will not beat me, and even if I don't win the war once and for all, I will be victorous over the daily battles.

"The world in which you live is not primarily determined by outward conditions and circumstances but by the thoughts that habitually occupy your mind." -- Norman Vincent Peale

Here Are Some RSD/LIFE Updates

Yesterday at my field placement was the first "good" day I have had in at least two months, which came as a surprise to me since I was even mobile at field all day saving lives... well, maybe not saving lives... :-) Now that I have experienced the full spectrum of what a clinical social worker does, I am receiving a more regular caseload of clients (which I love!). I swear, I was meant for this!

As far as my alternative route to health and fabulousness, I have an appointment on Monday to hear the results of my heavy metal challenge and food allergy tests. Fingers crossed for promising results!

Much to my dismay, I woke up this morning to the start of a head cold. I have not been sick in two years!!! I fell off the raw wagon and have been eating more sugar than usual in the form of candy :-/ Bad girl! I'm off to get a juice... maybe spinach, kale, and apple?

RSD Never Looked So Good!

I kid! I kid!




I did wear heels for the first time in four years Saturday evening, but only to sit and have dinner with my fiance and some friends. The pain was worth it because the heels were fierce! Black ankle booties with two buckles on each foot... heavenly. I received them as a Christmas gift from my lovely parents since I had my eye on them for quite some time. I think my butt muscles are sore from them! The picture shows me wearing black studded flats, which are also quite fierce if you ask me :-) But, I am bias.

It's Been A Hell Of A Year...

As we all celebrate this New Year, 2009, with family, friends and fur babies reminiscing and resolutioning, I can't help but wonder why we need a new year to force the creation of a new us??? I get the feeling this post should be about what I did and didn't achieve in 2008 and what I will achieve in 2009, but I never needed a new year to desire change. With RSD as with any chronic illness, life has become about change... changing the way I think, feel, respond, communicate, live, love, find joy and peace, feel sorrow and crushed hope, learn lessons... It's all different now.

Instead of writing about what I should do in 2009, I am going to consider those things that I work on every day and will continue to work on, because resolutioning for 2009 has an undertone of not living in the present moment and that is something I am always trying to avoid.

All I can say about 2009 is that I will continue to do the best that I can given my circumstances. I am always a work in progress.

It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end -- A random quote I read somewhere.