One Step At A Time

Yesterday was a lovely day with my fiance and the wee one. A week ago, she was barely crawling, and now, she will not stay in one place! It is truly incredible how fast children grow before your eyes, but also a bit stressful, as I am not a baby person and never have been. Obviously, I LOVE this little girl because she is part of my beloved and adored better half, which means she is a part of me since he and I are, and always will be, one heart and soul, but I am one of those extreme rational individuals who can think very far into the future and understand the demands of a child without ever experiencing them firsthand (that is why I never desired to have children of my own). Single parents blow my mind. I truly do not know how people do it alone!!!! The stress is obviously balanced out by the joy but geeze!!!! What a tough job... Props to all the parents out there!

Anywho, today is the anniversary of a very traumatic event for one of my best girlfriends, so we are changing the tone of the day by creating a new event to commemorate each year. She is picking me up in a few moments to go grab herself a little "I kick ass" tattoo, and that she does :-) I am very proud of this young lady because she is using this event to better herself and the world around her by receiving a PhD in physical therapy to work with disabled children. Look at the people I get to surround myself with!!! I told you I am lucky :-) If it weren't for my RSD spreading like wildfire, I would pick up another tattoo of my own. I have three at the moment, and I am dying for a fourth. Maybe after the Enbrel cures me ;-)

I will be taking lots of pictures and updating soon!

Enbrel Here I Come!

With a belly full of vegan food, fat and happy :-), I made it back from a vegan dinner and my rheumatology appointment with only a few tears less than when I went, and a smile in my heart for new possibilities. Instead of turning me away saying, "You don't know what you are talking about," my doctor listened to my thoughts of autoimmune responses and raised antibodies, and I could see him putting together the RSD puzzle in his head. He is more than willing to go off label with the Enbrel and use it to treat my RSD, but first, I am updating my blood work, and he is doing some research on his own, since RSD is not on his list of diseases to normally treat (although, he was the one who informally diagnosed me first). Fingers crossed for raised antinuclear antibodies! He seemed a bit excited for the possibility that if this works, it could be a major breakthrough for RSD treatment, and it is always great to be an "interesting" case for a young doctor. You can become their little pet project, and they become excited to figure you out.

My father, mother, Patrick, and I walked into that office like a little army getting ready for battle, and it was so wonderful to have them there with me. After the appointment, we all went out to my fave little vegan place, Kaya's Kitchen, and celebrated. We celebrated hope.

P.S. The farm behind my house is finally selling their organic strawberries! They are soooo ripe and sweet...and are a few steps away from my backyard. How cool is that?!

There's A Pretty Little Thing Waiting For The King Down In The Jungle Room

**This is a great little silk onesie that I spilt dressing all over... I do that a lot.


Yesterday was a lovely day... I found organic cherries, slayed the pain dragon for the first time in weeks (I guess resting is a good thing...), snuggled with my fur baby while watching Oprah talk about vegans, caught up with my mommy on the way to my psychiatrist ;-), received my hottie tottie AA dress on my front door step, ran around Whole Foods with my fiance, Patrick, picking out vegan desserts, laughed until my face hurt, and laughed some more (Patrick is hilarious!), told my parents how much I adore them, cried tears of overwhelming joy for the support that surrounds me, and caught up on trashy reality tv shows.

Part of the reason why I feel like my old self again is because I am titrating down off of the morphine. Patrick commented on how nice it was to not be with Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde anymore, although he did admit that I was still pleasant as usual, but had the ability to snap at any moment, which is NOT me AT ALL. The morphine made me very very agitated the more I titrated up on the dosage, and it was honestly very difficult for me to feel that way. I am thrilled to be recapturing the often elated and lovable me :-)

I am currently in the middle of having conversations with the graduate school field education office and the disability office to create a plan for myself so that I may finish my graduate degree in a way that... well... doesn't make me want to jump off of a bridge!!!!

Here is a quick boo hoo session: Do any of you RSDers/chronic illness conquerers in school, graduate or other, ever become totally sick of talking about it?!?! Every meeting is another chance to talk, talk, talk about our stupid conditions, and at this point, I would like to be done talking and just finish my degree... Ok, done
:-) Thank you. In order to get the assistance we need, talking must be done.

Happy Wednesday!

God Blessed The Broken Road That Led Me Straight To You

Happy Birthday to my beloved best friend, companion, lover, and teammate (I always say that we are a team when facing difficult times). We are that annoying couple that after six years together, still acts all mushy gushy and in love, gazing into eachother's loving eyes and smiling as if we know a little secret that no one else will ever have the pleasure of knowing. I think we do know a secret. When I look into his adoring face, I envision all that we have been through in the last six years, from divorce, to debt, to depression and other mental illnesses, to my diagnosis, to last but not least, a baby that is not ours, and I see a love and respect for me that is mirrored in my face for him.

After each trying time, while many couples grow apart, we have grown closer together, and now, our bond is unbreakable. Our secret is that despite all that has happened to us, we have decided to use these trials as ways to grow and become more complete, self-actualized individuals. It is as if our relationship has self-actualized, too, just as individuals do, and it is lovely to be in a relationship that feels enlightened. Our goal is to continue growing together so that our relationship can grow, as well, and so that we may not just say we are spending the rest of our lives together like many do with such a high divorce rate, but to actually do it.

I wish it could be at all possible to describe the bond that we have using words, but it is not. I have tried my best to do us justice, to explain that when I am with him, I feel at home, safe as if nothing, not even my illness, can threaten me. It is magical. I wish that everyone has the ability to experience a love like ours.

Happy Birthday, Patrick, and Happy Six Year Anniversary. Here is to many more!

P.S. Sophie, it was so nice to hear from you again! You played such a crucial role in the early stages of my personal development. Thank you for still following along with me on this journey. I love you!

We Live And We Learn

Here I am, newly deep tissue massaged, and feeling better, at least mentally and emotionally, than I was a few days ago. Again, thank you for your support. I could never put a price on the love I feel when I read your comments.

It has taken a few days to wrap my head around the fact that I can no longer maintain the level of activity and energy expenditure that I did several months ago. The fact that I do not have a treatment regime than I can count on is what makes it near impossible to keep pushing. It would be one thing if I woke up every morning and knew I had a treatment regime that would substantially lower my pain, but I wake up every single day not knowing what is going to happen to me without anything to count on. I need to be confident in some sort of treatment regime, whether it is one medication or ten medications, to continue on with my life as I was before.

I spoke to the disability field counselor at school, and she suggested I meet with the disability office again to draw up a real plan dictating what I can and cannot do and what I do and do not need. Right now, I am just in the system, because when I began school, I did not think I deserved much assistance. Now, I am truly "disabled" in the eyes of the school system because I am actually requiring assistance. They will help me with my next placement so that I do not run into these problems again.

I am titrating down from the morphine right now, and I head back to my pain guy on the 5th to discuss what is next. This Thursday, I am banging down the rheumatologist's door and begging that my RSD be treated as an autoimmune disease with some sort of immune suppressant.

It is my fiance's birthday, so we are going out to dinner :-) I am dedicating my next blog post to him, so look for a sweet testament of my love very soon. Maybe after dinner :-) Off we go!!!

Never Take Advice Too Seriously From Those Who Have Not Been Severely Tested

I'd like to thank everyone who commented on my last blog post because it really lifted my spirits when I was feeling very very down in the dumps. I read them over and over...

I am having an extremely difficult time right now. As all of you with RSD know, it is very difficult to watch yourself worsen, and right now, I feel like I am slipping... For the first time, I really feel like a sick person. Pain is one thing, because I can push through that to a certain extent, take my meds, and still sit and enjoy many activities, but lately I am exhausted, sick to my stomach, experiencing painful headaches, amongst other physical symptoms, that are making it difficult for me to do much of anything and really enjoy it.

Yesterday, I slept all day and all night, literally, and woke up every few hours to eat (I can't miss a meal even when I am asleep!). I overextended myself with field, strong emotions (lots of crying), and watching the wee one the previous two days, and my body needed a full 24 hours of sleep to recover. I still feel awful... that to me is really feeling like a sick person.

Morphine and I do not get along. We never have, but I thought its derivative in an oral form could do me some good. It is barely doing any pain relieving and mostly making me feel shitty.

I drove myself to my fiance's house today to get a change of scene. I cannot stay in my house for days on end, because it reminds me of the three surgeries and recoveries I had not long ago.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a quick update. Again, I'm too heavily medicated and feel too crumby, so excuse the typos and awful writing!!!!

I'm going to find some good in this day, even if I feel like a "sick person."

There Is Always Going To Be An UpHill Battle

Here is the wee little one! We took her down to the shore to do some shopping for her, and because of the chill coming off of the water, I had the chance to put her in the striped hoody that I bought for her a while back. How cute does she look?! It kept her little bald head covered from the sun as we jumped between shadows and slathered her with SPF.

Just a quick update, I "quit" my field placement for now. Today was an emotional rollercoaster, but I made the right decision. I tried my best, but I cannot handle the beyond physical nature of the job. I walk more in 30 minutes at that large facility than I do in an entire day otherwise. Even a seasoned pain-taker like myself ON MORPHINE and every other pain killer under the sun cannot handle it any longer. If I do something for 30 minutes, it usually takes me twice as long sitting, usually with legs elevated, to recover, but at field, I go-go-go until 5PM. I do not have that luxury, or rather, that necessity. I am too far along in the disease progression at this point to put myself back in that position.

I left field early, crying, only to be met home by my father who left work early to take my dog and me for a convertible ride down the shore. He wanted to be there to hug me when I returned home :-)

I am too heavily medicated to be witty tonight, so I am off to rest.

Only Love Can Conquer Hate

I sat in the grass and read Glamour while my boys went for a run in the trails. Take a look at that rock on my finger in our family photo.

Meet My Friends Morphine And Enbrel

**This is what I am wearing today. I like to dress up when I feel awful, even if I am just sitting on my couch all day. I should probably take more than one photo and put some makeup on so I don't look how I feel, but oh well... Like I care at this point in my life.



This is what I LOVE about my life... after I declared myself safe on "home base" (aka my couch) only to wander away from it to eat and use the bathroom, my fiance came over to wipe my tears away and make me laugh all evening. PLUS, my dad bought me this new bathing suit that I was able to pick out for our new pool :-) (MAJOR sales at VS). They both know how to make me smile... oh, and I also picked up this hottie tottie AA dress in light pink. The color reminded me of the gorgeous flowered bushes outside my front door.

A lot has happened since I have woken up from a painless slumber. You'd think I would wish to always be dreaming since it is the only time I have no pain, but I love engaging life too much for that to become my only desire. My morphine has been increased to 10mg, but after having a long conversation with the nurse, it became clear that she is not counting on the morphine to be my liberator. I am to call if this increase does not help so that I can get in to see my doctor earlier than scheduled.

Also, my father did some research, and we are off to see the rheumatologist who diagnosed me with RSD due to my raised antinuclear antibodies and the obvious discoloration. Research is proving RSD to be autoimmune, and when you stare a wheelchair in the face every single day, you begin to think outside of the box. We are hoping to try the immune suppressant, Enbrel, with my young doctor who seems to be willing to think outside of the box with me and my desperation.

I am already on borrowed time.

I am so friggen lucky that I have health insurance. I am so grateful for that every single day.

Stay Close To Me While The Sky Is Falling

**How cute are we?! And, that is what I wore today. You can just see the pain in my face, literally and figuratively. I had pain over every inch of my body. Sometimes, I feel as if I look a little worn for 24 years old. Under my little sweater is a bright yellow top with little white polka dots. I accessorized with gold everything, even my shoes.

My first day back at my field placement was bittersweet... difficult, fun, painful, challenging, fulfilling. You name it, I felt it. Due to my usual PMS pain flare, it was challenging trying to navigate the mini-hospital-like-layout and the 9AM-5PM hours. I have to admit, by 2PM-3PM I am merely trying to survive the work day, praying that the magical hour of 5PM rolls around sooner than later.

After so much physical activity, my body becomes like a mood ring changing colors, from red, to purple, to blue, depending on the type and level of pain, and now that spring/summer has come (meaning no socks are worn to cover up the discoloration), I get to see the damage more often. Believe me, one never gets used to seeing her legs blue in color, which means a lack of oxygen, because it signifies a future necrosis (death) of bone, muscles, tendons... but you try to ignore it as best you can.

Today is one of those days where I feel afraid. It happens to the very best of us...

The only time I feel okay is when I am on my couch with my feet up, and I REFUSE to live my life from there watching the world go on around me, but at the same time, I cannot do what I did today every day of my life trying to have a career. It is sickening. This disease is cruel.

When the day ended and I made it home, I curled up on that couch of mine, home base where I am safe, and cried. My silent tears turned into loud sobs and that is when my pup came to lick the tears off of my face. Sadness turns to smiles, and when he sees that, he figures his job is done and chases his tail :-) Smiles turn to laughter...

I've retired to home base for the night to rest up and recharge. Thankfully, I don't go back to field until Thursday!

Today, I am thankful that my dad told me it will all be OK. I have to believe it.

“One cannot be deeply responsive to the world without being saddened very often.” --Erich Fromm

Am I Lucky Or Am I Lucky?!?!?

**I am getting better at posing... Again, I am NOOOOO model nor can I take pictures, just a little former athlete... but this outfit is cute.


“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” --Emerson

Nervous (for the physical pain) and excited (for the vehicle of change I will be), I, again, begin my field placement tomorrow.

I just sent an e-mail to my best girlfriend from the University of Miami. Her name is Stacy, and she and I have been pen-palling it up for the last year because...wait for it.... she is in Africa in the Peace Corp!!!! She is a beautiful woman inside and out, and the world (and Africa) is better for her dancing around on this earth.

While away from my home in NJ attending the University of Miami (GO CANES!), I was un/misdiagnosed and suffering from severe physical pain with no medication and reactive anxiety, depression, a sleep disorder, and an eating disorder that I used all of my energy to keep from worsening while taking 6 courses a semester (receiving 6 A's, of course!)...oh, and battling bizarre, recurrent urinary tract infections (one every month. whaaaaat???). Stacy was a stable force in my life while I was teetering on the edge of sanity, and she taught me, as my beloved father would say, to "surf the chaos," really enjoy life, and love myself for who I am just by being who SHE is. I am FOREVER in her debt and am incredibly lucky that I can choose to surround myself with only the best examples of what people should be. This is one example of my infallible support system that I always mention and am grateful for... see what I mean? Am I lucky or am I lucky?!?!

In two months, I am flying down to Miami to spend a week with this lovely lady, as she is coming back to the States for a month for a brief vacation from Africa. Poor Africa, but yay me!!! I cannot wait!

Again, thank you for all of your support concerning my fiance's baby girl. All we want for her is to be healthy, happy, and grow up to be a vehicle for change and give back to the community (that is a HUGE want on my part). She is a lucky little lady to be surrounded by so much love.

And, WOW, please read this loving, supportive note my dear virtual friend Shelley Anne just left me. Just look at all the love that surrounds ME:

"Maria you are one beautiful woman. I get so excited when I think about your life and the incredible things that lie ahead for you, I have a feeling that you are going to make a big impact somehow in your lifetime. I love how you look at your life and see the blessings and that you see how full your glass is, despite the obvious affliction and burden of disease. I love how you absolutely refuse to let it be the albatross around your neck. Look at your ear to ear smile, life is for the living and darling I admire your indominatable spirit (if that's how you spell it, I am definately dummed down following chemotherapy). I am sending you virtual hugs and I want you to know that I am keeping my eye on you. I want to be a witness and a cheerleader to the powerful life that you are living, and see what you create. The possibilities are endless. Love, Shelley Anne"

I Said You Can Keep My Things They've Come To Take Me Home

**I cannot remember if I ever posted a picture of my engagement ring, so here it is (again, maybe).

Oh my gosh, let us all laugh at me uncomfortably trying to get my uber cute yellow keds into this photograph. This racer back tank is incredible because of its 3D texture. I'd like to take some time to thank everyone for being so supportive on my last post. So, THANK YOU SO MUCH! xoxoxo

With a little yoga and a lot of pain meds, I started off my Saturday the right way, including some coconut milk ice cream in cookie dough flavor and a 16oz green juice. Weird combo but heavenly, nonetheless.

Here is a totally incredible new post from My CrazySexyLife blog about our overly populated nation and what that does to the environment. Telling others whether or not they can procreate is an iffy subject. This is a hot button topic, but I left my comment on the subject. Worth reading.

http://crazysexylife.com/2009/empower-women-save-the-planet/

My Little Secret

**Shorter got his hair trimmed, and another outfit post. I suck at posing alone. I feel so uncomfortable! Like I said, I am NO model. The back of that cardigan is sheer. It's so neat!

So, as a few have brought to my attention, there is a never-before-mentioned back story that I chose not to address on my blog for the past 9 months partly because I was unhappy about it for a short amount of time, but mostly because I had wayyyyy bigger fish to fry, namely my bright future relying on something called grad school filet (which I took down like no one's business!!!! can we say 4.0!!!??!!). Due to some poor choices made by my fiance during a short, maybe two month, break we took last year, an innocent child was brought into the picture that, obviously, is not mine. I only write about this now because, while I cannot predict the future, my fiance and I have worked through any difficulties and grievances that existed, and we plan on sharing a lovely future together. Since this situation is a permanent fixture in my life, whether I am future hip stepmom or cool, fashionable aunt ria :-), I find it important to briefly explain the situation since my blog is about, well, my life! This is sure to come up more than once, as it already has in the form of pretty photographs.

My fiance and I have chosen to take an active part in the baby's life, and while this is not ideal for someone with a serious, progressive illness or a 22 year old boy putting himself through college and living pay check to pay check, it is what it is in this game called life. It was clearly difficult at first based upon the fact that, to us, our futures consisted of law school in a year (him...which isn't going to happen anymore due to a change in finances), a Ph.D. (me, but that costs more money), no children, plenty of dogs, and lots of luxurious traveling living a life of altruistic actions (lots of volunteering with the spare time we have from our jobs already in the helping professions) and romance. Lots and lots of romance. Oh, did I mention a move back to our old, beloved stomping grounds in Miami ASAP??? A move that I felt and still feel oh-so-necessary for my heart and soul... BUT, you never know what will come up as we travel on these bumpy, windy, and scenic roads toward our many destinations. Plus, I am great at adjusting at this point...RSD is a great teacher.

Anyway, I digress. That's the story...I just consider it a new piece of my life. It feels great to get that off my chest! I felt like I was lying to my fellow RSDers who I have become so close with since I started this blog! I apologize for keeping secrets!!!! Forgive me.

I am now up to 7.5 mgs of opana, the oral morphine. It is going to take a lot more than that to get rid of this horrific pain! At least I have something to look forward to!!!

These two quotes do a beautiful job of summing up how I see life:

"I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can." --George Bernard Shaw

"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" --George Elliot

Just When I Stopped Looking I Saw Just How Far I'd Come In This Life

**This can sort of be an outfit post, Linds!**

Thank you for all of your positive comments on my last post. I am truly proud of myself for learning lessons at 24 years old that some NEVER learn in three lifetimes. This illness took from me what I thought I needed to survive and it gave to me what I need to LIVE. I no longer hide behind an identity that I thought I had... an athlete, a runner. Many people move from one label to another... a daughter, to a student, to an athlete, to a professional, to a mother, to a grandmother... I know who I am in relation to the onenness of us all, to the greater good. As you know, when I lost my identity as a runner and an athlete, the proverbial shit hit the fan, but now, my life has become more than just that. Thank you, RSD, for giving me this gift.

Isn't It Time You Got Over How Fragile You Are

**Two very photogenic reasons why I believe my life to be perfect. My future husband and my lovely little furry baby.

In recent days, I have been in the position to defend how in the world I can believe my imperfect life is so perfect, and why individuals concern themselves so much with my "imperfect" existance is unknown, and at the same time, highly flattering. I do not just "make the best" out of situations at this point in my life because that would be implying that whatever aspect of my life I am dealing with is less than desirable, and I am only pushing through or surviving it. At 24 years old, I have come to the conclusion that each situation, each life event is happening to me in order for me to become a better, more complete, self-actualized individual, which is why I take an important lesson away from the smallest to the largest situation I am part of. This is not easy. It requires self-reflection, contemplation, and an honesty I have with myself that allows me to critique my own actions and leave a life event as a more complete person. Here is a shocking statement, most people are not at all honest with themselves. How do I know this? Because if they were, there would be a lot less conflict in this world and a lot more compassionate people not willing to step over others to inflate their own egos.

I believe my life is unfolding the way that it was meant to unfold, and I am along for the ride grabbing lessons here and there as I go and becoming a more complete individual as time passes. From my progressive illness to my fiance's accidental child, I do not just go through the motions simply surviving or looking for the good, but I truly live, grow, conquer, and enjoy.

I have a BEAUTIFUL life, partly because I have worked very hard in facing myself to find my place in this world as someone who is giving back and partly because what surrounds me is unique and lovely. I give thanks for my incredible support system, for being blessed with the family finances to treat my illness and go to graduate school, for my intelligence, my beauty (inside and out), and much, much, much more. These aspects of my life can be taken from me without a moment's notice, which is why I feel the need to outwardly enjoy them with statements like "my life is perfect...."

My life is perfect for ME.

I leave you with another one of my favorite quotes:

"Ethics, too, are nothing but reverence for life. This is what gives me the fundamental principle of morality, namely, that good consists in maintaining, promoting, and enhancing life, and that destroying, injuring, and limiting life are evil." --Albert Schweitzer

AND:

"Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back" --Arthur Rubenstein

You're Only Dancing On This Earth For A Short While

Just me enjoying my life yesterday..... after the doctors!

Ride On The Peace Train

EDIT: This outfit post is in honor of my gal pal, Lindsey. She has always wanted me to do an "outfit of the day" post, so here you go, Linds! I'm no model, as you can see, which is why I have hesitated before. Excuse my mere mortal-ness! This is my "I'm on my way to have an I.V. in my arm for two hours and then to another doctor appointment" look. Classy. You can click on it to get a closer look... I would advise against it!!!



Here we are again. I gave the doc a ring this morning, and in return, my oral morphine has been increased. Obviously, if the pharmacy did not carry the low dose, they don't carry this higher dose, so I won't start until Wednesday night. Whatever it takes.

Has anyone read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle? The book is phenomenal and a must read, I think, for anyone and everyone. The text was recommended to me by my best girlfriend (thanks, Tee) in the midst of my spiritual journey before the semester ended. I am so glad I took her up on the offer because much of the novel centers on the egoic mind and its fallacies. It basically states that all problems in this world can be narrowed down to ego-driven behaviors, and it is quite an interesting thought. In order for the ego to exist, to uphold the "I" thought, the concept of the "other" must exist. Think of wars and genocide...think of conflict big and small. When individuals criticize and condemn the "other," it makes them feel bigger, better, more superior, and therefore, gives them grounds for other more severe, uncompassionate actions. To the ego, the "other" must be condemned so he/she can get a better sense of who he/she is, but it is all an illusion.

The problem with this concept is that our oneness, our unity is undermined when we seperate ourselves using the ego. The truth is disunity does not exist. We are all one, and hurting another human or any other creature is the same as hurting ourselves. That good ol' Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated.

It is a difficult task, but I do my best to check my ego at the door when possible. It is a daily practice, sort of like mindfulness, but I have found that life takes on a much more peaceful feel when I succeed. Thoughts? Questions? Examples?

Here is a tip: When you are aware of your ego at work, that is the first step to conquering the little bugger. You are half way there because at that point, you are looking in on your words and actions instead of being your words and actions.

I think it is time for some organic coconut milk ice cream. I have mocha fudge and chocolate peanut butter to choose from. How lucky am I?! My life is perfect. I've really got it goin' on!!!

Mr. Jones And Me Tell Eachother Fairy Tales

So much for dancing in the streets... I didn't even have time to lace up my dancing shoes when I realized the morphine barely helped. I am still taking my norco as usual plus the morphine, impatiently waiting for this coming week when I can ring my angel doctor and start a more potent dose of the oral morphine. At this point, I am on the lowest dose, so there is much hope that my yearned for relief is still in the near future. The plan has been to titrate me up from the get-go, especially due to my miniature size, but RSD pain is so severe that there is a chance morphine may not be my liberator. Thankfully, my options are not out of stock just yet.

There is a sizable hole in my back yard because we are putting in a pool for the summer, so that means a little swimming (breast stroke, of course) is also in my near future!!!!

Who has a better life than me?!?!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there to children and fur babies alike!!!!

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind." --Alex Karras

P.S. My t-shirt in that picture proclaims "I <3 Boys That Recycle." How fun!

Pretty Pissed

I sent this quick e-mail (excuse typos) to Ladies' Home Journal on the fly, because I became so pissed at the fact that yet ANOTHER story has been run about someone in chronic pain becoming addicted to pain killers. Honestly, I have had enough. There is not a balanced view of pain medication out there....


"Good afternoon, I could not figure out how to contact the magazine on the main site, so please forgive me for sending this to the wrong e-mail address (and I would really appreciate you forwarding it to the correct one).



My name is Maria Mooney, and I am a 24 y/o graduate student with RSD, the same illness Paula Abdul has. I appreciate your story about Ms. Abdul and her experiences, but it is very frustrating for someone like me who needs pain medication in order to literally survive the days to hear yet ANOTHER story about someone who has taken pain killers and who has become addicted. That has nothing to do with the pain pills but more to do with the unhappiness in the individual. Yet, it vilifies pain medication once again.



I, just yesterday, completed my first year of graduate school with a 4.0 GPA. I am working toward my M.S.W. (social work) to become certified in mental health and do psychotherapy and other therapeutic interventions with chronic pain patients (and others who are ill) so that they can cope with their illnesses effectively and NOT become yet another person addicted to pain killers.



I used to run for a division one university and now I cannot stand for longer than 10 minutes on morphine and other pain medications, but I am not addicted and am clearly growing and conquering. I would really really appreciate a story done about RSD and pain that does not vilify those who use pain medication. I would be honored to be in one of your stories to show that it is possible to conquer pain and also show the positive effects pain killers can have on a young girl's life (who thought her life was over but who is now a 4.0 GPA graduate student).



Thank you so very much for your time! I really appreciate it and am very very passionate about this subject. People who become addicted to pain medication make it hard for young vibrant girls like myself who need the medication to survive and use it properly.




I keep a blog about my life with RSD: http://prefontaine44.blogspot.com



And attached is a picture if myself so that you may put a face to this e-mail."



P.S. everyone: I, of course, as someone studying to become a mental health professional, feel for those who suffer from addiction, but the unbalanced view of pain medication in the media and the effects it has on others who need the medication lead me to writing this e-mail.

Hey Child Stay Wilder Than The Wind

I am crazy obsessed with this post from mycrazysexy life blog. It is about men, meat, and power. Go Vegans!!!!

http://crazysexylife.com/2009/wiener-roast/



I took my first oral morphine pill about an hour ago, and no big reaction. I'm off to shower and get a massage (wohoo!), so I shall see how much of my pain it reduces as I move about.

Did I mention I am done with my first semester of graduate school?!?!?!?! I just broke out 20 oz of green juice to celebrate :-) Celery, cucumber, green apple, and loads of spinach. Perfection... Shorter, perched at my feet, received a little bit of each as I juiced. Healthy, hearty pup.

Take Time To Realize This All Can Pass You By

I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY FIRST YEAR OF GRADUATE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Good-bye pencils, good-bye books, good-bye teacher's dirty looks and hello! to four months of uneventful, blissful summer break!!!! I've taken off my thinking cap and put on my bathing suit!

I start field again in a week 2x a week for one month, and then, I am actually finished for the summer.

Also, pain updates, tomorrow morning, I take my first long-acting, oral morphine derivative. I picture myself dancing in the streets, but I will be happy with just less pain and a more comfortable existance. Say some prayers for me that I react well to the new medicine and that it gives me some much needed and deserved relief.

Today, I realized that I am in such a wonderful place in my life and in my personal development. All of my hard work has paid off, and I am elated with the results. I feel like I am REALLY living.

I Found God On The Corner Of First And Amistad

Today started out like any other, a bountiful cup of coffee poured into my Miami mug (with vanilla soy creamer) and an arm full of psychopathology cases to study. After heading off to chelation and stopping at Starbucks for a soy latte (hey, grad school finals call for caffeine), I met my daddy-o for the big "where to go from here" pain management appointment. From under a pretty consistent stream of tears, we talked about the SCS again, but ultimately settled on a stronger pain management regime for the time being. I will be taking a long-acting morphine derivative twice daily and my norco hydrocodone for breakthrough pain.

Obviously, the pharmacy doesn't stock my medicine... why would they have morphine readily on hand?... so this means I must wait until Thursday to get some relief. I'm hopeful this will ease my pain and my worries because I have a pretty incredible life to live, and I can't change the world if I am in too much pain to move.

I closed the day with a trip to Whole Foods where I picked up some coconut milk ice cream in a peanut butter and chocolate flavored concotion (heavenly!), some vegan and wheat-free cookies, and a tinted lip gloss. I've been on the search for the perfect organic lip gloss shade, and I finally found it. It is so fittingly named "love."

Oh, and I wore high heels to a baptizing this weekend. I took extra pain meds, but they finished off the outfit so well! Anything in the name of fashion.

“In spite of illness, in spite even of the arch-enemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.”

I Surprise Myself Every Time

Yesterday, after sleeping over 12 hours (yes, i know, wow!), I rolled over, opened my drawer, fisted five pills, and took them like a seasoned drinker throws back a shot of tequila. The fourty-five painful minute drive up to campus included bumper to bumper traffic at 3PM... huh? As I sat in a sea of automobiles, I felt a twinge of nervousness because I knew once I got to my destination, I might be gifted my single case design paper on chornic pain and CBT. You see, I never give myself any credit, and I'm still not sure why, but despite my lack of confidence, I received a PERFECT paper back from my prof!!!! Not one mark on it!!!! A 100%!!!!!

I'm obviously very intelligent if I made it to graduate school. That much I know... but because I spend my days pushing through severe pain and spending three times the amount of energy normal people spend on attempting to concentrate (thanks to vicodin), even I can't believe I will be so successful.

Basically, I am shamelessly plugging my awesome-ness :-) GO ME!!!!

One week and two exams left! I suspect a big crash after this is all done.