"There is always a choice when it comes to psychological suffering. You need not surrender to any wave of helplessness that leave you feeling sorry for being alive."
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Thursday, February 25, 2010
Ketamine Confusion
I saw Dr. Schwartzmann yesterday, and while he was a lovely, intelligent, competent, compassionate professional and individual (and I'm not easy to please), I left fearful and confused, tears flowing. As usual, I am the "perfect patient." I "do everything right." I have remission written all over me, but his caring recommendation is that I go in for another inpatient ketamine infusion (my first one was a disaster that you can read here). There is an urgency to stop the progression while I continue to work on my holistic healing, and I understand and accept his assessment. I am to call him in the next few days with my decision, but I am desperate for healing. Although I am terrified after my first experience, I will do it. Strong mental health is my savor.
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10 comments:
Maria, you know yourself so well and know you are making the right decision. You always do what's best for you. For that you deserve a medal!! We love you girl!! Hang in there and know that we are here for you during the experience, no matter how unpleasant or scary it may be.
Nominated you for an award.
xo
Eco Mama
Your first Ketamine treatment sounds awful! I know you didn't quite finish it, but did you see any benefit from it?
I follow another blog about Brandi, who went to Germany for the ketamine Coma. They say her RSD is in complete remission.
I'm anxious to know how it works out. Stay brave!
Nice post, thanks for sharing this wonderful and useful information with us.
Green Tea Diet
it can be so hard to try something that you know might cause more pain or suffering. it's not an easy decision. i hope you attain some clarity.
Maria, I am so glad you shared this, and the link to your last experience. Like I told you the other day, I will be there for you and I know whatever you decide to do it's going to work out in the end!! Love ya! XOXO!
Wow, Maria. I just went back and read your post from your first experience with Ketamine. I had tears in my eyes, what a traumatic experience, I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that. You are so strong and intelligent, you will make the right decision for youself and your health and we'll all be here to support you. xoxo My thoughts and prayers are with you girlfriend.
If I was in your shoes my big question will be what will be different this time? Was it a fluke? Why wouldn't it happen again?
I use ketamine to treat my chronic migraines, but at much lower doses than used for RSD. I know it works well for many people, but there is just no way it works for everyone, IMO.
Don't be afraid to ask more questions. You have the right!
Maria, I was 'lurking' on your blog when you went through your first treatment, unsure if it was ‘ok‘ for a total stranger to do so. I was sobbing heavily reading your account of your terrifying experience... and I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to go there again.
However (and frankly, I've not re-read as I know it will be terribly upsetting for me to do so right now), do I remember correctly that your batch of ketamine was 'bad' somehow?
This is something that may be key in considering your decision?
You know, I was kind of coming from another direction with my CRPS/RSD: already into holistic living, I avoided medications and as such, didn't even ask for help until I'd had this horrid disease for 1.5 years (wasn't Dx'd until 23 mos post-injury). By then, I was at a point where, despite struggling through days at a work situation I'd discovered after having to leave the job I'd held at the time of injury, inside I wanted to die to stop the pain.
OK, so I'm not telling you anything you don't know here, but I didn’t even know what I was fighting, let alone know if my vegetarian diet might be of help, or the raw foods I'd been learning about for some time at that point...
But, in my research, I didn't see anything 'natural' which was going to offer relief from the debilitating pain I was experiencing.
I'm a person who rarely took acetaminophen or ibuprofen (occasionally for menstrual cramps) - so infrequently that when I'd next go to take one, the bottle would say past expiry date - and those are supposed to be good for a couple of years!
The last time I'd taken anti-biotics was 10 years before, having found that I could easily avoid them and replaced them with tea tree oil and oil of oregano with excellent results!
Immediately after my injury, I purchased some arnica, in both homeopathic and topical applications and used that for a couple of months afterward. I believe it did help the original Achilles injury heal, which was the purpose.
However, the pain... I toughed it out for soooo long, but I couldn't take it anymore.
I fantasized about cutting my leg off to stop the pain. Seriously.
I'm sure you understand just what I mean. As an athlete who lived with pain as a part of your life, you know how very different this is from other pain!
My rambly point? I sure never wanted to take these strong medications! Opioids, anti-seizures, anti-anxiety (for spasms/cramps in my case) meds... etc, etc. I didn't want those in my body! Gosh, the opioids scare me LESS than the anti-seizures; they've been around MUCH longer and, barring abuse of them, seem to be likely to be safer, in my opinion (can't help but think about my pregabalin being so new and how other, new 'wonder drugs' have been recalled amidst reports of DEATH and permanent injury, etc!!!).
I mean, in my home, you will not see one chemical cleanser (shampoos, soaps, home products, etc) that is chemical, toxic stuff. Everything is totally natural, sometimes things I make myself, using essential oils and such.
This is how important it is to me to avoid these unnecessary chemicals which are toxic to us!
YET I take these meds every single day, knowing that they must NOT be doing great things for my insides... :(
But, because I've gotten a half-decent balance of meds, finally, I no longer feel like dying would be the only way to deal. Chopping of my leg no longer even seems like an option (admit that now I know about CRPS/RSD and that amputation could make it WORSE influences this!) but I have some quality of life now!
It's nothing like 'before' but I'm learning to move on with what I have and work to educate others about this disease. Just like I know you do!
...
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One of the women I know with CRPS/RSD has had it become systemic/full body. She has traveled to get ketamine treatments which have taken her from using a powered wheelchair in public to walking with a cane - with limitations and difficulty, much as I do. (I also walk without my cane at home where I can grab a wall if I'm unsteady and know there are no uneven curbs to navigate! I believe doing that every day, as well as walking when going out (without cane if safe) has helped keep my muscles from wasting, which is so common for us...
But the chance to be able to walk again (in her case) and to stop the spread for both of you… a difficult choice indeed. And no one can make it for you, but you will make the decision which is right for you, here and now.
I can only imagine how difficult the decision would be when you're facing spreading of how/when/if to intervene with such a controversial and risky treatment. AND I know full well that you have the tools to make the decision that's right for you.
Know that no matter the road you choose, you have much love and support out there for you, in addition to your amazing friends, family and loved Boys (furry and not so furry, haha!)… and a delicious little one to boot!
Best wishes to you! Keep strong. xx
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