Hi, healers! My first two ketamine boosters are finished, and I have to go back in one week from today for two more. Ketamine is a nasty drug, no matter which way you look at it, and considering my low body weight and body fat percentage, I seem to be getting hit quite hard by the "regretamine"(best street name for ketamine I've ever heard). Remember, everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but ketamine and I do not seem to get along. I have extreme difficulty with morphine, as well.
For anyone considering ketamine or going through the boosters right now, I have found that using a face mask (one that completely darkens - I'm talking pitch black) to block out the double/triple vision, room spins, and hallucinations you might see and using your ipod to block out any other noises that could cause you to hallucinate or become fearful are THE BEST. In your doped up state, you can actually pretend as if you are just resting in your bed by blinding yourself and blocking out "hospital noises." I didn't sleep through any of the eight hours worth of ketamine, so this technique saved my sanity.
You all know me as someone who is extremely positive, searching for and discovering lessons and meaning in my trials, but recently, I had been wrestling with some frustration. I thought I would share my struggles with you so that you understand that I am not "perfect" or immune to the sadness and frustration that can accompany illness and pain.
While I am SO grateful God/Source/Creator has given me the opportunity to receive ketamine with Dr. Schwartzmann, it is no secret that I don't enjoy the drug AT ALL. It is scary and leaves you feeling ill for days. Going into the treatments, I had the "I am so sick of being sick and being a 'patient,'" "I am so scared I'll never get 100% better," and "Graduate school and my field placement are starting soon while I am still in treatment, oh crap" breakdowns. I am THE great catastrophizer, meaning I have the ability to look far into the future and create the worst case scenario better than anyone I know. My solutions? Mindfulness - living in and experiencing the present moment, one moment at a time. And having faith that God/Source/Creator's plan for me is unfolding exactly how and in the timing that it is supposed to (thank you, Lynn, for reminding me of this one).
Something I learned about myself this week: Sometimes, I keep my emotions to myself for two reasons. First, having been in therapy for years and being in the mental health field now, I know how to solve my own problems when they are solvable using coping tools. This is a good thing. Second, the not so good thing, is that I tend not to vent to my loved ones because I want to protect them from feeling sad. I know how much it pains my parents to see me like this, and I can't bear to hurt them anymore. See, there is a lesson in everything. I am taking this knowledge and changing for my highest good. I will honor my feelings when they need to be vented while also honoring the fact that my parents and loved ones are entitled to their own feelings that may also teach them lessons.
Look for the lessons in your difficult times.