**Excuse the ketamine fog head I'm writing with**
Hi, healers! My first two ketamine boosters are finished, and I have to go back in one week from today for two more. Ketamine is a nasty drug, no matter which way you look at it, and considering my low body weight and body fat percentage, I seem to be getting hit quite hard by the "regretamine"(best street name for ketamine I've ever heard). Remember, everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but ketamine and I do not seem to get along. I have extreme difficulty with morphine, as well.
For anyone considering ketamine or going through the boosters right now, I have found that using a face mask (one that completely darkens - I'm talking pitch black) to block out the double/triple vision, room spins, and hallucinations you might see and using your ipod to block out any other noises that could cause you to hallucinate or become fearful are THE BEST. In your doped up state, you can actually pretend as if you are just resting in your bed by blinding yourself and blocking out "hospital noises." I didn't sleep through any of the eight hours worth of ketamine, so this technique saved my sanity.
You all know me as someone who is extremely positive, searching for and discovering lessons and meaning in my trials, but recently, I had been wrestling with some frustration. I thought I would share my struggles with you so that you understand that I am not "perfect" or immune to the sadness and frustration that can accompany illness and pain.
While I am SO grateful God/Source/Creator has given me the opportunity to receive ketamine with Dr. Schwartzmann, it is no secret that I don't enjoy the drug AT ALL. It is scary and leaves you feeling ill for days. Going into the treatments, I had the "I am so sick of being sick and being a 'patient,'" "I am so scared I'll never get 100% better," and "Graduate school and my field placement are starting soon while I am still in treatment, oh crap" breakdowns. I am THE great catastrophizer, meaning I have the ability to look far into the future and create the worst case scenario better than anyone I know. My solutions? Mindfulness - living in and experiencing the present moment, one moment at a time. And having faith that God/Source/Creator's plan for me is unfolding exactly how and in the timing that it is supposed to (thank you, Lynn, for reminding me of this one).
Something I learned about myself this week: Sometimes, I keep my emotions to myself for two reasons. First, having been in therapy for years and being in the mental health field now, I know how to solve my own problems when they are solvable using coping tools. This is a good thing. Second, the not so good thing, is that I tend not to vent to my loved ones because I want to protect them from feeling sad. I know how much it pains my parents to see me like this, and I can't bear to hurt them anymore. See, there is a lesson in everything. I am taking this knowledge and changing for my highest good. I will honor my feelings when they need to be vented while also honoring the fact that my parents and loved ones are entitled to their own feelings that may also teach them lessons.
Look for the lessons in your difficult times.
Happy Healing!
Hi, healers! My first two ketamine boosters are finished, and I have to go back in one week from today for two more. Ketamine is a nasty drug, no matter which way you look at it, and considering my low body weight and body fat percentage, I seem to be getting hit quite hard by the "regretamine"(best street name for ketamine I've ever heard). Remember, everyone reacts differently to different drugs, but ketamine and I do not seem to get along. I have extreme difficulty with morphine, as well.
For anyone considering ketamine or going through the boosters right now, I have found that using a face mask (one that completely darkens - I'm talking pitch black) to block out the double/triple vision, room spins, and hallucinations you might see and using your ipod to block out any other noises that could cause you to hallucinate or become fearful are THE BEST. In your doped up state, you can actually pretend as if you are just resting in your bed by blinding yourself and blocking out "hospital noises." I didn't sleep through any of the eight hours worth of ketamine, so this technique saved my sanity.
You all know me as someone who is extremely positive, searching for and discovering lessons and meaning in my trials, but recently, I had been wrestling with some frustration. I thought I would share my struggles with you so that you understand that I am not "perfect" or immune to the sadness and frustration that can accompany illness and pain.
While I am SO grateful God/Source/Creator has given me the opportunity to receive ketamine with Dr. Schwartzmann, it is no secret that I don't enjoy the drug AT ALL. It is scary and leaves you feeling ill for days. Going into the treatments, I had the "I am so sick of being sick and being a 'patient,'" "I am so scared I'll never get 100% better," and "Graduate school and my field placement are starting soon while I am still in treatment, oh crap" breakdowns. I am THE great catastrophizer, meaning I have the ability to look far into the future and create the worst case scenario better than anyone I know. My solutions? Mindfulness - living in and experiencing the present moment, one moment at a time. And having faith that God/Source/Creator's plan for me is unfolding exactly how and in the timing that it is supposed to (thank you, Lynn, for reminding me of this one).
Something I learned about myself this week: Sometimes, I keep my emotions to myself for two reasons. First, having been in therapy for years and being in the mental health field now, I know how to solve my own problems when they are solvable using coping tools. This is a good thing. Second, the not so good thing, is that I tend not to vent to my loved ones because I want to protect them from feeling sad. I know how much it pains my parents to see me like this, and I can't bear to hurt them anymore. See, there is a lesson in everything. I am taking this knowledge and changing for my highest good. I will honor my feelings when they need to be vented while also honoring the fact that my parents and loved ones are entitled to their own feelings that may also teach them lessons.
Look for the lessons in your difficult times.
Happy Healing!
9 comments:
It must be very awful for you to get down, because I know you try to keep very strong. I hope it is worth it for you in the long run.
I have times where I try and hide my emotions too. Doing it too much can just be too stressful. Feel free to write about it, we know no one is perfect.
Thanks for your kind words about Zuki. Yes enjoy each moment with Shorter. There is no love so precious as the love from a dog.
bitt and Maria,
I have a cat, who acts like a dog...does this count!?
I can sure relate, and guess what? Good timing for your words of wisdom regarding ketamine, because I'll be doing it again, myself. Bitt is right, write how you are feeling, even when down, no one is perfect.
Hi Maria, I for one really appreciate your honesty. It's human and healthy to express ups and downs. And hearing about ups + downs with RSD treatment is, for me, also helpful. Thanks for your honest description of the ketamine treatment especially. -fellow RSD-er X
Hey Honey,
I am so sorry you have to go through this, and I can understand why it is hard to stay positive. But you will get through this and come out healthier and better in the end. I love you and I am sending you so much healing love, always! XO
Thanks so much for sharing, it does help to hear that others struggle too. I know I do the same thing, hiding my emotions/problems from my parents in a desperate attempt to protect them. In the end, I might just end up hurting them more, maybe?
bitt, thank you for your sweet words when I know you are going through such a difficult time. Shorter and I send our love and prayers. xoxoxo
franci, good luck with the ketamine! Inpatient or outpatient... or both?
fellow RSDer, you are so welcome. I am glad my ups and downs can provide you some comfort. Thinking of you xoxo
Lauren, thank you! You are such a great friend.
Amber, yes, by protecting them we aren't allowing them to go through their own spiritual journeys. This may be something they need to experience to learn lessons and grow and we are denying them that God-given right.
Sorry to hear about how frustrating this has been for you! Everyone gets sad and frustrated sometimes, especially when they are on meds that don't quite agree with them. Neither ketamine nor opiate based drugs get along all that well with me either, I'll never forget thinking I'd put my headphones in and try to block everything out, but I was still hallucinating and the music caused such massive visual hallucinations that I threw the headphones across the room, completely freaked out! Looking back, it must have been a bit of a shock for Mum...nowadays it gives me a it of a giggle ;P Hang in there, babe!! xx
Ok, adding more HUGS! (as I dopily didn't subscribe to comment follow ups ;P) xxxx
Hi Maria, thank you for letting us in on how you're doing. I too get so frustrated, sad, and scared, and it's nice to know that I'm not alone!! Thank you for reminding us that the plans for healing unfold in God's divine timing, not ours. Love you girl!
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