My Last Two Spiritual Awakenings Explained

**Before we get started, visit Lynn Walker's own personal blog here. She updates it regularly with great spiritual information.**

Hi, healers! I promised I would explain to you the two spiritual awakenings I had right before I was admitted into the hospital. With the help of Lynn Walker, my amazingly talented spiritual advisor, these awakenings were possible and my existance shifted dramatically. Here we go!

I Love My RSD/CRPS:

Since my spiritual quest began, I have understood that total and unconditional love is the strongest emotion and can cure all ills. God is love. Love is God. Until recently, 99% of me loved my RSD/CRPS and felt gratitude for the gifts it has given me, but I could not persuade that last 1% to take the love plunge. The love was conditional (we are all familiar with conditional love), based upon the amount of pain I was in and my limitations on any given day. After much prayer, meditation, reading, and asking for guidance, it all clicked.  In an instant, any anger, resentment, sorrow, etc. left me as if it never existed. The epiphany was that profound. That's how spiritual awakenings work, you know? Something you have been struggling with for years is realized and released in one moment. It is powerful, profound, and tides you over with hope and faith until the next one comes around.

God/Source/Creator Heals

The last several years, I have been counting on science, doctors, and medicine to heal me, constantly looking outside of myself for the answers. Remember, I was a jaded former Roman Catholic turned hardcore atheist, experiencing a monumental seperation from God around age 18. The all powerful, omnipresent, judging, fear-inducing, punishing God of modern religions put such a pungent taste in my mouth that it turned me off of all organized religions, although I did go on to study religion in undergrad. Because their version of God did not resonate with me, I came to the conclusion that there was no God, furthering my seperation from my core self, others, and a higher power.

Not long after my pain started, I began the endless search for healing, only considering external options for several years. It wasn't until I turned inward and began the difficult but rewarding process of self-knowing that the tides began to turn (self-knowing eradicates ego and brings you into oneness with God). My last spiritual awakening before entering into the hospital (literally three days before I was admitted) for my ketamine infusion was that ketamine was not going to cure me. Huh? Yes, you read that correctly! God/Source/Creator heals, and this loving energy uses science, doctors, and medicine as its tools (because it is the source of all creation). I firmly believe that without that realization, the ketamine wouldn't have been so successful.

Did I do an OK job of explaining these to you? It can be difficult to put spiritual awakenings into words, but I am more than happy to answer any questions and go further into detail. I am going to elaborate for a guest blogger post on crazysexylife.com soon.

Any spiritual puzzles you are working on concerning your healing? Self-love, self-forgiveness, judgment of yourself and others, fear of the future, loving your illness, etc.? We can talk about these, and if you are uncomfortable, remember you can e-mail me privately (mariamoooney@comcast.net) or ask me anonymous questions on my formspring page. I will address them in detail on my blog so everyone can benefit. Remember, these aspects of our human existances are keeping us in the sick role. We must believe we are healed and transcend!

Happy Healing!

A Message to the Spouses/Partners of those with Chronic Pain and/or Illnesses

Hi, healers! Upon request (thanks for the great idea!), I am providing you with a post written in the first person by someone with a chronic illness to his/her spouse or partner. A good idea would be to print this out and let your loved one read it. Perhaps, one of my future posts can be similar to this but from the spouse/partner to the person with a chronic illness? It isn't only the diagnosed who is suffering.

Don't forget to check out the update on my condition I just posted.

Here we go:

Having chronic pain/illness doesn't mean I'm someone different: My lifestyle and even my mood may have changed, but I am still the same person you married. Work with me, support me, and love me through this difficult time. Help me to grieve my losses, learn that I am not my physical body, learn important life lessons, and become my highest self. Be there to guide me when I am lost and walk beside me as I heal, mind, body, and spirit. I will come out of this self-actualized and reconnected. I just need time, patience, and most of all, unconditional love.

Chronic pain/illness and reactive mental health conditions are quite common: You may think chronic pain/illness is physical in nature, but the mind-body connection proves otherwise. Depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, addictions, and other reactive mental health conditions are quite common, so be sensitive to my needs and encourage me toward professional help. It will be the best option for both of us and could save our marriage and my life (suicidal ideation, attempt, and completion are common concerning chronic pain and illness).

"Happy" and "healthy" are not the same: I may smile, laugh at your jokes, or enjoy my life, but that does not mean I am cured. I can make the conscious choice to find beauty in life, joy in the small things, and gratitude for what I do have, but my physical limitations may not change. Enjoy life with me and find my outlook inspiring, but respect my limitations.

Even though it's labeled "chronic," it constantly changes: "Chronic" describes the long-term nature of the disease, but it does not do justice to the ever-changing symptoms of chronic illness. If I can go shopping today but cannot move off of the couch tomorrow, understand that this is typical of the illness. Rejoice in and take advantage of my "good" days with me, and support me through my "bad" days.

Sometimes, we feel guilty and like a burden for depending on you: This is NEVER what I planned for my life as a little child. As I played on the playground with the world at my finger tips, I did not say, "Geeze, I wish I could be chronically ill and totally or partially dependent on my loved ones for the rest of my adult life." I am doing what I can to contribute. Sometimes, it may nothing, and other days, it may be more. Someday, I will be healed, and it will be everything. Please, be patient with me, and reassure me that you love me and that I am not a burden to you.

Chronic pain/illness is impossible for you to understand unless you have it: Even if you are the most empathetic person on the planet, you'll never be able to fully understand what I'm experiencing. Remember this when you become impatient or frustrated and take a little time to ask me about what it feels like to have chronic pain/illness. Encourage me to talk to you about my feelings. It will be better for both of us to speak openly and honestly.

If I think of anymore, I will post a "Part II."

Happy Healing!

Pain Blog Carnival and Updates

Hello, healers! I am featured in How to Cope with Pain's July Pain Blog Carnival. Take a look!

I have been dealing with some crazy insomnia from the ketamine infusion and opiate withdrawals, even while taking trazodone, the best sleep inducing pill on the planet for sleep disorders. When I get back onto a normal sleep schedule and my brain fog lifts, I will be finishing up a post directed toward spouses/partners of those with chronic illnesses (upon request). Check back for that soon!

As for my RSD/CRPS, I am still off all opiates with a great reduction in pain and starting back on a gentle yoga and strengthening routine. I have some questionable pain and discomfort the day after some strengthening, but it doesn't last. Also, I picked up a script today for some formal PT while I am going through my ketamine boosters. Since range of motion and serious muscle atrophy aren't issues for me (thanks to a strong runner's will, some opiates, and a high pain tolerance over the years), I would like to become very strong again, just as I was in my peak running days. We'll see if this is possible, but I believe it is, especially if done while still receiving ketamine to avoid flares and set backs, etc.

My first set of boosters is in one week, and I am actually looking forward to them so I can continue on the path of healing. Also, it will be nice to check in with Dr. Schwartzmann again in person. Remember, I live in NJ, and all of this is done in Philly, PA.

My appetite has been OUT OF CONTROL, so I am refueling with some healing, plant-based, nutrient dense foods and juices.

THE END!

Happy Healing!

Fall/Spring Field Placement, Alumni Newsletter Featured Story, Updates

**Before I begin, please read Lynn's latest blog post, Some Thoughts on Healing and Living**

Hello, my bright light, healing beauties! I come bearing updates and gifts of love and light.

Field Placement

Today, I had an interview for my M.S.W. Fall/Spring semester field placement at a Hospice located in a hospital not far from my home. Being back in a hospital setting less than a week after my ketamine infusion seemed ironic, but I always LOVED hospitals (just not when I am the patient). My loving daddy was a higher up in hospital administration for most of my childhood, and I spent many hours visiting him at work with my mom and older brother. Strangely enough, I feel at home in a hospital setting despite what I have gone through in the last few years, including three icky hospitalizations. BUT, I prefer to be the helper and not the helpy. Let that be known!

The interview was wonderful, and I was given the position! My new supervisor and I spent a good 90 minutes getting to know oneanother, and I believe she is a brilliant, gentle, and special soul. I cannot wait to see all that she will teach me this year!

Because I am in active treatment, it will be imperative that I use the disability services. I am in the process of setting up special accommodations, like less hours a week to be made up at a later date.

Featured Story

Also, thanks to my wonderful Chronic Illness and Disability professor, I am going to be featured (with picture) in the electronic newsletter that goes out to all of the alumni! We are in the process of deciding how to angle the story, but I will keep you posted. So exciting!

Pain Update

I had a bit of a flare up of my pain today, but still no opiates in use! Dr. Schwartzmann said small flares will be normal, so I am doing my best to stay away from that place of fear and trust that God has healed me (I just need to BELIEVE it). I did some stretching and deep breathing, which seemed to help the pain and my mood :-)

I will also be sharing with you the two spiritual awakenings I had just before I entered the hospital and how I believe they are changing the course of my healing. It's truly amazing! Then, I will write a more comprehensive post on the subject for another crazysexylife.com guest blog post, which is ALWAYS an honor! Stay tuned! I have SO much to write about!

Happy Healing!

My NEW and IMPROVED Ketamine Tale

Hi, healers! I was asked to go into detail about my ketamine experience, so I am going to give you some now before I crash again. Remember, I had a botched infusion (more here) once before in NYC, and I have to tell you, Dr. Schwartzmann in Philly REALLY does this procedure right. He's the RSD/CRPS wizard for a reason. He keeps you loaded on ativan and a lesser known drug, verset, to keep anxiety and hallucinations down. I spent a lot of time going in and out of sedation, and experienced that annoying double/triple+ vision. I could barely see, but otherwise, I was kept very comfortable. No vomitting this time, no real hallucinations. I did have a few scary moments of confusion, not knowing where I was or why I was in the hospital. I had loved ones that never left my side, so all was well. Obviously, you are bed bound, so a catheter is used.

I started tapering up on the ketamine Monday evening and began tapering down late Saturday morning. I was discharged around 6PM Saturday evening because they must observe you for a few hours after you taper off. I don't remember Tuesday at all, but came back to reality Wednesday and was alert. Annoyed it was only Wednesday, but alert! I wasn't able to eat besides for little bits of smoothies here and there, so you can imagine the weakness, total hunger and exhaustion when you come home, which lasts for awhile. I still feel off. 

I was taken off of my narcotics cold-turkey somewhere around Tuesday or Wednesday, so I am still dealing with the later stages of opiate withdrawal and withdrawals from the other meds, I'm sure. It's very full-system uncomfortable but temporary. No big deal. Because of this, I can't really tell you if my RSD/CRPS pain is totally gone, because opiate withdrawal causes uncomfortable full-body discomfort, amongst other annoying side effects. BUT, I can say that it is down significantly. More than 50%. I feel better off all my narcotics than I did when I was on them. Remember, I was on drugs like 8 vicodin a day and fentanyl, a drug more potent than morphine, which didn't even come close to taking my pain away. At best, those drugs lowered it 30%, somedays. This is great!

I have 8-10+ ketamine boosters in the next few weeks and months. I start August 5th and 6th, then repeat in two weeks, then repeat in three weeks, then repeat several weeks later, then repeat... After these first 8-10, I can get them quarterly (every 3 months), if the doc and I feel it is necessary.

Did I miss anything you were wondering?

Yesterday was a tough day for me, but I feel better today. I keep waking up at 4am and can't go back to bed. My body is still trying to regulate itself after the hospital trauma.

Happy Healing!

Update, Hospital Pics, Thank You's

Hi, healers! Before I give some cloudy ketamine head updates (forgive me), I wanted to let you know you can start asking questions again on my formspring homepage about the ketamine, etc. I am feeling strong enough to start answering them.

Here are a few pictures:

 From right before the ketamine started:

Right after they tapered me off on the last day, and I bullied the nurse into letting me shower. And my first meal in five days (lots of veggies):

When we got back to the hotel I ate everything that wasn't nailed down. Vegan went out the window for an hour as I refueled with some calorie dense foods. That's a peanut butter pie. I earned it. Back to vegan to detox from all the meds and heal:

Pat was kind enough to take Shorter for the week. THANK YOU xoxoxo:

And Addie said hi to me in a picture before the ketamine got started:

I received so many wonderful gifts, flowers, cards, prayers, and loving messages from my friends, family, and internet buddies, so I need to share my DEEPEST thank you's to you all. I couldn't have survived this one so well without you.

I got discharged Saturday night, and I am off ALL narcotics, which is a miracle since meds like fentanyl weren't helping me. I will only get better with the ketamine boosters I have in the next few weeks, outpatient, of course. I had to realize that only Spirit could heal me, and I believe that is making all of the difference. It was my last spiritual awakening, and it happened RIGHT before I went into the hospital (I'll write more on this when I feel strong and clear-headed) Doctors and meds became my all powerful God, what I looked to for the cure. Now, I know that Spirit heals using doctors and meds as his/her tool.

I will keep you posted as I continue to become stronger. I went out a little yesterday to test the waters, maybe did a little too much :-) Today, I totally rest.

It still hasn't hit me that I am off all the pain killers. I feel better than I did on my best pain killer moment off all the meds! It's a miracle from God, and I am trying to get over the surreal-ness of it to intergrate it into my new life. It will take a few weeks, I'm sure.

We shall see what the future holds, but I am sure my pain will become less and less and that this is permanent healing. I am continuing to regulate the rest of my body with Spirit's love and my holistic doctor so this NEVER happens again. I received new blood work and it looks as if I am healing my thyroid and adrenal myself, now producing some of my own hormones.

Here is to a healthy future!

I love you all xoxoxo

Happy Healing!

home

home from the ketamine infusion. weak and resting. off all naroctics :-) so far so good. will update when i'm strong again. love you all xoxo thank you all so much.

Off to the Hospital

Hi, healers! I am off to Philadelphia tonight, and I will be admitted into the hospital tomorrow for my ketamine infusion. Please, pray that this is it for me so I can move on with my life. Hopefully, I will be out by Friday (Saturday at the latest), and I can update you on the results soon after.

There is a Whole Foods two blocks from the hospital, and I have packed all of my fave raw snacks. About to drink my last green juice before I go... Hopefully, I will be able to eat this time. The last two times I couldn't swallow a bite because I was so ill.

Sending love to you all

    xoxo Maria xoxo

P.S. Shorter will be on a vacation at Pat's house, so I'm sure he won't miss me too much. I, on the other hand, will miss him greatly :-(

Update on my Ketamine Infusion Fast Approaching

**Just answered this question on my formspring page. It's a quick update on how I am feeling about my hospitalization on Monday. I will write a more substantial post about how I am feeling and the AMAZING and quick spiritual growths I have had over the last few days concerning this treatment.

How are you feeling with the ketamine fusion approaching?

I've done a lot of praying, meditating, and asking for guidance, and I finally feel good about going in. Do I want to spend another week in the hospital? HELL NO! My spirit isn't sick, so when I have to do these things, it destroys me. BUT, I have this internal knowing that I am almost done with this illness. I have improved 50% with my RSD in the last 6 months (100% in chronic fatigue, etc.) with my holistic doctor, and this ketamine infusion is going to erase the memory of the RSD from my brain for forever. When I get out, I will continue my holistic care, hormone therapy, and spiritual growth so that something like this NEVER happens again to me. I feel it... it's almost over. The RSD has done its job, and now I can move forward a new person, a divine child of Spirit, and impact the lives of others is GREAT ways. I cannot wait!!!! My life is so beautiful now. I can't even imagine how wonderful it will be pain free! But I will know VERY soon!!!!

Favorite Q&A's

Hi, healers! I wanted to share with you some of the great Q&A's on my formspring page that I think many of you will benefit from. Keep the great questions coming! I am happy to answer them for you.

RSD has taught you a great deal! How have you taught yourself to detach from your ego so someone can be very negative towards you and not affect you? Any tips?

RSD has been my greatest teacher and gift. It takes a lot of practicing self-awareness. Learning what makes you tick and why you do what you do. It takes a lot of effort, and it is very hard work. I worked with a mental health therapist years ago (and now I'm studying to be one at the masters level) and now with a spiritual counselor for guidance. You have to take everything you have ever been taught by your parents and society and throw it out. It is like being an infant again and learning new belief systems that will help you toward your highest good. Reading spiritual texts have been helpful for me (more new age stuff). Understanding that the reason why anyone would ever say anything negative about you is because there is something going on inside them that has nothing to do with you. People who are happy, peaceful, and connected to others don't judge others so harshly. It will be important for you to learn not to take things personally. Also, something inside of you is attracting these negative people to you (self-judgment, negativity, depression, anger, etc.). Finding out what that is and working through it will make all the difference. I only attract positive people to me now. Like attracts like. It is so amazing when you see the results first hand. My life has totally changed, and it is amazing.

I have someone in my life who is manipulative and is making my life hell You say in your blog to rid yourself of people with negetive energy to help heal yourself but what can u do when there really is nothing u can do to get that person out of your life

Then you have to change the way you react to them if you cannot change them or the situation. The only thing you have control over in life are your feelings and actions. You will have to practice techniques and learn more about yourself in order to not let others affect you. At this point in my life, someone could be standing infront of me telling me I am a loser, and it wouldn't affect me in the slightest. Detaching from my ego and judgment of self and others was key for this. I don't take anything personally because I understand the motives behind negative actions. They are never about me, and always about the other. I have become so secure with who I am, that nothing, not even some negative energy could shake that. I am a child of God and that gives me all the power I need.

Are they days when you are just too ill to function and how do you cope/deal with those days?

Not so much anymore now that I met my holistic doctor, but yes, A LOT before her. I'd have a good cry, talk to someone who loves me about it to release that energy, and settle down with some good tv, movies, books, magazines, etc. I tell myself I know it is only temporary, and I will feel better soon. I just need to get through the next X hours or days. Focus on what I am grateful for, etc.

How do you psychologically deal with the intense pain of CRPS?

Distractions, socializing, talking about my frustrations, pain medications, meditation, prayer, doing things that I enjoy, mental health and spiritual therapy, learning to detach from my physical body (you are not your body, but the divine soul that inhabits it), reframing, focusing on what I am grateful for, listening to music, petting my puppy, experiencing love, etc.

You suggest not to isolate yourself but when you have a chronic illness it really limits what you can do so it is difficult to maintain, let alone initiate, friendships. I often have to decline offers- people give up on me even if i explain why i say no.

Have you invited them to come sit with you and watch a movie or get some tea or coffee? If that is how they are reacting, they aren't the friends for you. When you become ill, you find out who your true friends are. It is a blessing. Now, I have a handful of really wonderful, extraordinary friends who love me unconditionallly. Conditional friendship isn't worth the effort. Cut them loose and work on the ones that matter.

How do you cope in times of depression?

Therapy. It saved me. Also, spiritual counseling. We need help through times of depression. We can't do it alone, and learning the tools so that you can get through it yourself the next time is soooo priceless. Also, don't isolate. It's so easy to with this illness, but we need the love and support from others. Focus on what you are grateful for in your life, and see everything as a lesson. Looking for that lesson makes the negative times seem positive because you are learning something valuable.

How do YOU define spiritualism?

A connection to your core self (your truth, who you really are outside of your earthly body and human ego), a connection to others, and a connection to a higher power (whatever that may be for you - a man in the sky, an energy). Self-actualization and enlightenment are strived for in the process of life. That is what spirituality is to me.

In response to the siblings question I asked are they're actually ALOT older than me - in they're 30s I have two brothers and one sister Any advice to make them realize it's not for attention? Thanx

Wow, that is surprising! Other than having honest conversations with them and trying to educate them, there may not be much you can do right now. You can't control the way they react to you, but you can control the way you react to them. If they truly love you, they will come around. If not, perhaps it is better this way. They don't sound like healthy additions to your healing journey. You only need to be surrounded by people that support you. YOU may need to cut them off for awhile until you heal. It may be difficult, but illness is never easy, and sometimes, we need to be selfish in order to heal.

How much alternative healing have you done? I think I might have read a while back that you did some acupuncture... did you have an results from that? Would you suggest it? What would your advice be to people who are feed up with the western med. system?

I've tried just about everything within reason. I would suggest seeing a natural practitioner with a traditional medical background so he/she can do a full work up on you but treat you using mostly holistic measures. Once I got my hormones back up to where they should be, I started feeling so much better. Other than that, realizing that constantly looking outside of myself for the cure was getting me nowhere was a big realization for me. I had to look within first for anything without to work. I'd give acupucnture a try, but if it flares you too badly, than stop immediately. Look for non-invasive ways to get energy to flow, i.e. reiki, meditation, etc. Keep the faith, and find someone you trust to treat you. Don't settle for anything less than the best treatment.

How do you deal with people who tell you that you look fine and should just suck it up?

We can't please everyone. Some people will never get it. What is important is that you surround yourself with the people who do get it. Education is important, so educate those who you want to understand. If they love and respect you, they will understand it for you. I now take it as a compliment. I look so good that no one knows I am sick! I'd rather it be this way.

If you were applying for a new job would you tell your potential employer about your RSD straight away? How much info would you give them?

Absolutely. In America, we have the ADA to protect people with disabilities, mental and physical. I'd tell my employer that I have RSD and what my needs and limitations are that I can't compromise. I've done this for field placements, and they are always very understanding.

Happy Healing!

Chronic Illness/Pain and Intimacy

Recently, I wrote two blogs on chronic pain/illness and relationships - one dealing with chronic pain/illness and long-term, romantic relationships and one on chronic pain/illness and the dating game. They were very well received both here and on my other networking sites, which I am so pleased about. I promised a post on chronic pain/illness and intimacy with your partner, so here we go!

**Mom and dad, you don't have to read this one if you don't want to!**

Scheduling intimate time with your partner with the hustle and bustle of our exhausting, busy, and stress filled lives can be difficult enough, but factor in one partner with a chronic illness (especially a woman) and you are in for rough terrain on this road called "love life."

Women are complicated enough - our emotions are usually involved in sex, and you have to stoke the fires of passion for satisfying intimacy to take place. What happens when you add chronic illness, pain, fatigue, medications that cut sexual desire, depression, resentment, etc. into the equation? What once was complicated seems nearly impossible. Fear not, my happy healers!

Each chronic illness is different, but here are MY tips (what works for me) concerning intimacy and chronic illness/pain:

Chronic pain people: Sex allows all of those wonderful chemicals in the body to start flowing, especially your natural pain killers, endorphins. Even if you aren't feeling well, have sex! I am telling you from experience, you will feel so much better afterward if you just push through those first few minutes. Even with the severe pain I am in, I barely feel it when I am being intimate with someone I love and who loves me. That is a miracle!

What is happening in the bedroom says a lot about what is happening outside of the bedroom: Lack of intimacy is usually symptomatic of larger issues in the relationship, whether it be resentment, lack of communication, anger, depression, etc. Take note of your intimacy issues and work through them inside and outside of the bedroom. Sex is a beautiful, natural part of a loving relationship, especially for men. If all is well in the relationship, all will be well in the bedroom. Men use sex as a way to feel close to you because they are very tactile and visual. It is very important. Remember that the next time your husband is "pawing" at you, and you feel discouraged. He just wants to feel close to you :-)

Know the side effects of your medications and adapt accordingly: Unfortunately, one of the major bummers in chronic illness is the fact that many of the medications we take can lower sex drive. Pain medication is a real upper for pain but downer for intimacy :-( Sometimes, all we can do is try to find a way around it and adapt. More foreplay, bringing things into the bedroom that can help, etc.

COMMUNICATE: It is important to always communicate with your partner, even concerning intimacy. Explain what you are experiencing, how it makes you feel, and discuss ways to work around your limitations. Bring things into the bedroom that will help the experience be more enjoyable for you.

Get your hormones checked: If your sex drive is suffering for a long period of time and you have a chronic illness, get your hormone levels checked. It is very common for hormone levels to decrease with chronic illness because of their use in the body to relieve inflammation, etc. I am on bioidentical hormone replacement therapy, and it has changed my life in so many ways. I feel alive again.

Make plans: Sometimes, spontaneity takes a backseat to life's little struggles. Plan a date night where romance and intimacy are on the menu, and don't be afraid to really let go and enjoy yourself.

Learn to accept and love your body, limitations and all: In the media, women are portrayed as nothing but sexual objects that have to look perfect, act perfect, and be perfect. This is not reality because we are not our physical bodies. We are the perfect, divine souls that inhabit them. Learn to love your body as it is in this moment, even if it is not the way you desire it to be. Intimacy will become more enjoyable, and in turn, so will life.

Any questions?

Happy Healing!

Updates!

Hi, healers! Check me out in How to Cope with Pain's June Pain Blog Carnival!

I absolutely love your anonymous questions on my formspring homepage. I hope my answers are living up to your expectations, and if not, please clarify. I am happy to go into more detail, etc. I've had a few questions wondering about the boy and my engagement. I am not one to live every detail of my life publicly as it unfolds, but a few months ago, I ended my engagement. Nothing bad happened, just life. I love him deeply, but at this point, we are focusing on our friendship. I have a lot going on in my personal life right now, and when I feel the time is right, I will share, just as I just did now about my engagement ending. I'm very happy, so please, don't worry about me!

With my hospitalization (July12th) looming, I am focusing on my personal life and spiritual development, so I apologize for not posting as much. I am being "selfish" for the first time in my life, and it is necessary.

Despite this illness, I've never been happier and more satisfied in all of my 25 years on this earth, so I have a lot to share with you. I am uncovering deeply spiritual answers to some questions with the help of my friend and spiritual counselor, Lynn Walker. I have the answers to true happiness, peace, and satisfaction, despite illness, and I am going to share them with you soon.

Life is so precious and so beautiful, and true, unwavering happiness can be achieved despite illness. Don't forget, with the surrender of ego, we can heal ourselves.

Check back soon for some great posts!

Happy Healing!