Hi, healers! Here I am sitting on campus waiting for my next class to start, and I have to make a confession – my pain has been out of control lately. I’ve explained in previous posts that I majorly screwed up (there is no nice way to put it), and I slacked on managing my stress management and self-care routines. I’m in my last year of graduate school (I graduate in May 2011), and I allowed myself to get swept up in the workload and my tendencies toward perfectionism, control, and self-doubt. I was in such a wonderful place physically, emotionally, and spiritually at the end of the summer because I dedicated May-August to healing. No stress, controlled environment, warm weather (cold makes me pissed off and hurty – me no likey), time spent near the water and with loved ones, and meditation, prayer, and self-exploration were my 9am-5pm jobs. Once classes and my hospice field placement began and I became busier and busier, I unconsciously allowed what healed me to slip through my finger tips and out of my sight. Plus, what do busy grad students run on? Caffeine and sugar (vegan, of course, but still no good). Double plus, I was following the post-inpatient ketamine booster protocol, which consisted of sets of boosters close together in Philadelphia. A lot to handle at once.
It is an absolute struggle – no, seemingly impossible battle – attempting to stay positive when you are in so much pain that you cannot think straight, yet have to stay in your role of support and counsel to the dying and their loved ones, attend classes, and complete assignments. Literally, every ounce of energy I have had has been going toward remaining positive during the past two months, which is why I have been MIA.
I know that nothing lasts forever and the only constant in life is change. So how does that apply to my pain? What goes up must come down. I am searching for the lessons in this endless pain flare and readjusting myself accordingly. It is taking time and effort, but it is worth it to feel well and find balance again.
My goal in writing this is to let you know that I struggle, too, and that there is hope for all of us. There has to be.