Tuesday, March 27, 2012
My meditation practice is becoming more consistent and deepening with each time I sit down and make the time and space to sit in stillness. My “meditation pillow” is unconventional – it is my bed. I sit cross-legged with two pillows propped up behind me. I don’t lean against them, but I know they are there quietly supporting me. They just brush my back to keep me sitting up straight due to years of poor posture and weakened back muscles that I am correcting through my yoga practice. I close my eyes, palms facing up and resting on my knees, and I begin to count, “In, one, in, two, in three…” with each out breath and in breath. By exhalation three, my mind has already wandered, and I decide on a different approach – I’m just going to sit here and listen to the sounds around me.
For the first time, thoughts cease, and I am in awe of the beauty of noise, noises that used to piss me off during meditation while I was beating my ego into submission. “Vrrrrooooommmmm,” a car goes by and then another one. I’ve just realized I like this noise, and for a moment, I wonder who is driving that car, where they are going, and if they are happy. Chances are, they aren’t happy, but I hope they are and silently bless them. I pull my focus back to the sound of a ticking watch. I don’t wear a watch, and I wonder where this sound is coming from. It’s so loud that I’m afraid I will open my eyes and see a Rolex suspended in thin air dangling next to my ear. Am I losing my mind? I sure hope so, but not in the conventional sense. In the way of dropping the ego. Suddenly, the sound of silence has a sound, and I focus on that in between the “vrrroooommms” and “tick, tocks.”
I’m doing, or not doing, all of this without judgment, which is rare for me. I’m great at not judging other people, but treating myself nicely has always been a fickle part of my mindfulness practice. Twenty minutes have gone by, and I open my eyes, smile plastered on my face. Finally, I feel like I’m getting somewhere by going nowhere at all. How cool is that?