Allow me to let you in on a little secret. When it comes to me, I have zero patience, can get frustrated incredibly easily, and am never satisfied. Throw in female hormone fluctuations, and I can be a ticking time bomb and all of my coping skills are forgotten. It’s not enough that within less than one year’s time I have weaned off all medications, no longer use traditional medicine (ketamine infusions, pain killers, nerve blocks, etc.), and have reversed RSD/CRPS and Fibromyalgia to the point where I am able to be active again and sllllllowly attempt to get back into running. No, it’s not enough at all. I have a goal, and no matter how delusional it sounds, it is to run a marathon. Setting my sights so high on what seems to be an unattainable goal (according to medical professionals) has allowed me to achieve the impossible up to this point. Today, I ran a full mile on my treadmill (with no walk breaks) after my usual cardio and PT routine. I did some damage control afterward, which included a green juice, some rest and elevation, and a coffee enema. I also spent some time being incredibly thankful and recognizing my achievements up until this point. I’m doing amazing things.
I know I deserve better than a life of severe pain and physical limitations. I am worthy of doing what I love, what I’ve always wanted to do, to run a marathon. I’m not sure when I will run this marathon. It could be a year from now or it could be 10 years from now, but it will always be my goal. That to me signifies a full return to health (even a half marathon would work), when I can do what I love. Although all of that sounds wonderful, I have to remember what got me into this mess in the first place, a pattern of a lack of self-patience and self-compassion that is difficult to break and incredibly easy to fall into over and over again. I have the “but I’m not there yet syndrome,” which is the inability to see how far I’ve come at times and an ability to only focus on where I wish I could be. I have to remind myself that I AM HUMAN and that I am doing amazing things on the journey to that goal. This is the most difficult and exhausting thing I have ever done (especially the strength training), but it is the most rewarding and certainly the most spectacular.
Happy Healing!
4 comments:
As a fellow RSD/CRPS "sufferer" (I hate that word) I am so happy to read of your run today. I don't think your goals are too high - goals should push us and then we strive to do the best we can. I am still needing one of my meds, having weaned off two and am now as active (in fact am stronger now) than I was prior to the surgery that left with me RSD. I fully believe in using our bodies, pushing our boundaries but then quite rightly indulging in damage limitation and control! You are a star and I hope you celebrate with an extra large green juice! x
Holy smokes Maria - that is AMAZING!!! You have come SO far - physically, spiritually, emotionally - totally mind-blowing. Your blog spoke to me today - I too have the tendency to be really impatient, focus on where I want to be instead of celebrating where I am at, and how far I have come - basically not acknowledging all the work and little steps I have taken for where I am today, both with my spirituality and my physical healing. I can be too hard on myself and not give myself enough credit. We are all deserving of prosperity and abundance, and I think that as soon as we truly can believe this, we can pave way for the Universe/God to give this to us. Thank you for this post - it also is nice to see that you are human too, and also struggle with these feelings from time to time. Helps me to feel that I am not alone :) P.S. I know you WILL run that marathon, and am looking forward to seeing you do it!!!
2004 I got RSD. 2005 I was going to run a marathon. I still hope like you I will. Aim for your goal and when the time is right shoot for it. Best of luck. Gill.
Hi Maria! Just wanted to drop in and check to see how you were doing. I also wanted to say how proud of you I am for your progress. When you first got sick you were so angry and frustrated and had a difficult time figuring out how to grieve and let go of the anger and now you've moved way beyond that and have done so well. While it is important to have goals, and ones like running are marathon are totally reasonable in my mind - it's important to remind yourself that once you reach that goal you'll find another, then another and yet another. Part of the reason for this is not just to push ourselves but because it's the journey of reaching the goal that teaches us and sustains us and sometimes we have to remind ourselves of the value in that.
Lots of love sweetheart! You're doing some pretty great things.
Sonya (aka Sophie from the old boards)
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