Thursday, August 16, 2012
A Runner's Prayer
Allow me to let you in on a little secret. When it comes to me, I have zero patience, can get frustrated incredibly easily, and am never satisfied. Throw in female hormone fluctuations, and I can be a ticking time bomb and all of my coping skills are forgotten. It’s not enough that within less than one year’s time I have weaned off all medications, no longer use traditional medicine (ketamine infusions, pain killers, nerve blocks, etc.), and have reversed RSD/CRPS and Fibromyalgia to the point where I am able to be active again and sllllllowly attempt to get back into running. No, it’s not enough at all. I have a goal, and no matter how delusional it sounds, it is to run a marathon. Setting my sights so high on what seems to be an unattainable goal (according to medical professionals) has allowed me to achieve the impossible up to this point. Today, I ran a full mile on my treadmill (with no walk breaks) after my usual cardio and PT routine. I did some damage control afterward, which included a green juice, some rest and elevation, and a coffee enema. I also spent some time being incredibly thankful and recognizing my achievements up until this point. I’m doing amazing things.
I know I deserve better than a life of severe pain and physical limitations. I am worthy of doing what I love, what I’ve always wanted to do, to run a marathon. I’m not sure when I will run this marathon. It could be a year from now or it could be 10 years from now, but it will always be my goal. That to me signifies a full return to health (even a half marathon would work), when I can do what I love. Although all of that sounds wonderful, I have to remember what got me into this mess in the first place, a pattern of a lack of self-patience and self-compassion that is difficult to break and incredibly easy to fall into over and over again. I have the “but I’m not there yet syndrome,” which is the inability to see how far I’ve come at times and an ability to only focus on where I wish I could be. I have to remind myself that I AM HUMAN and that I am doing amazing things on the journey to that goal. This is the most difficult and exhausting thing I have ever done (especially the strength training), but it is the most rewarding and certainly the most spectacular.